Internal Conflicts
by SASundance
Summary: It's just that it wasn't something that he'd ever seen himself doing… not ever in this lifetime but he couldn't keep pretending that he didn't need help. Nor could he simply keep telling everyone that everything was just peachy. Everything wasn't peachy...it was a god damn mess! Tony-centric - existentialist angst/crime. Definitely tongue-in-cheek. No TIVA
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from NCIS I merely borrow them temporarily. I also don't make any money from them.

Rating: T for adult themes but nothing graphic.

Setting: Takes place during the last half of season eleven

Warnings: For anyone that still requires this - here goes. I write Tony-centric stories - competent but flawed Tony stories. I am not a fan of Ziva and McGee. I don't see Gibbs as a benevolent father figure who is all seeing and knowing - I see him as someone very human. If you want happy families or shipping of the team my stories are not for you. Most of my stories reflect in some shape or form the chronic lack of observance of the chain of command.

A/N: This story was written last year and it was something I had been planning on writing for quite a while. Anyhoo, it has been sitting on my computer for some time and I've decided to post it before the start of the new season, even though it is unbeta'ed. So I'll apologise in advance for any errors that I miss in proofreading but I want to clear the decks. I'm struggling somewhat to know how to categorise this piece - it would seem on the surface to be a dark angst-filled piece but there is also an element of parody that may not be apparent to readers initially. Trust me - all will be made clear by the end but hopefully you won't see it coming and before anyone asks, no it isn't a death fiction. Hope you like it :)

Internal Conflicts

Prologue

Appointment One:

Special Agent Anthony D. DiNozzo sat nervously in the waiting room of Doctor George Wilder in anticipation of his first appointment. The federal agent was finding it difficult to sit still… well more difficult to sit still than normal, his thoughts zipping and zinging along at a million miles an hour. He was battling an internal debate over whether or not he should keep his appointment. But as much as he hated any type of doctor or really anything smacking of medical treatments, he had to concede, at least to himself that something was seriously wrong. He just couldn't keep ignoring it any longer.

It's just that it wasn't something that he'd ever seen himself doing… not ever in this lifetime but he couldn't keep pretending that he didn't need help. Nor could he simply keep telling everyone that everything was just peachy. Everything wasn't peachy...it was a god damn mess!

A man, rather portly in appearance, especially around the middle, crossed the room to greet him. His oddly shaded pale white -orange hair and scrubbed pinky-white complexion suggesting that in his younger days George had been a carrot-top. Now approaching sixty, he would no doubt skip the going grey stage, progressing instead straight to white haired, giving him a kindly paternal air that Tony figured probably inspired trust in most of his patients. Except Very Special Agents who didn't really trust anyone overly much, that was. Frankly the way he felt at the moment he doubted if he'd have trusted Mother Teresa.

"Anthony DiNozzo? Hallo, my name is George Wilder. Would you like to step into my office?"

Tony had a sudden urge to run as fast as he could and not stop until he was home, in his apartment, in his sanctuary. Well it had been that until Senior had desecrated it along with his nympho neighbour and then Ziva and Shmuel had slept there after Eli David's death…and the final insult when the terrorists decided to shoot up his humble abode. They say that bad things happen in threes and it was probably over and done with now although he was thinking seriously about moving and starting over fresh somewhere. Who knows what bizarre thing might happen next if he were to stay – the Rolling Stones could drop by and have a party and trash the place. _No that was being utterly ridiculous_, he chided himself sternly._ Get a grip, Anthony!_

Realising that the good doctor had been speaking to him and he'd zoned out, he knew how odd he must appear. "_Way to make a good impression, Anthony,"_ He muttered under his breath.

"Um… I'm not sure if I can stay…I'm really busy," He offered awkwardly.

The doctor seemed unfazed by his reluctance, though. "Look, why don't you come inside and see how you go? If you have to leave, we can reschedule for another time that's more convenient for you."

In the face of such reasonableness it was difficult for Tony to reject the offer and really, he needed Dr Wilder's help. Standing up, he followed the doctor into his office and looked around with some of his trademark nosiness. The room was quiet, understated and decorated in muted calming neutrals and natural textured furnishings. The sofa was expensive leather and looked as soft as hand churned butter.

As he tried to decide where to sit, he called upon one of his tried and true defense mechanisms. "What no recliner, Doc?"

"No, Mr DiNozzo, I'm not that sort of therapist. So take a seat and how about you tell me why you decided to come and see me?" The doctor directed him gently.

Tony sat down gingerly, noted automatically that the leather was soft as a baby's butt. _Okay good job Anthony, you managed to sit down but how the Hell are you going to tell him why you are here? He'll think you're nutso, looney tunes, a sandwich sort of a picnic, ready for the funny farm… _and his brain was off and away as he started running through all the euphemisms for insane and every movie that had crazy people depicted in them. Suddenly remembering where he was he thought how he must appear… crazy… so he tried to pull himself together and sat silently, staring at his feet.

Dr Wilding waited until he realised that Tony wasn't going to start the ball rolling and sighed. "Can you tell me a bit about yourself Mr DiNozzo? What do you do to earn a living?"

Tony decided that he could answer that one without too much difficulty. "I'm a federal agent."

"So you work for the FBI?"

Tony grimaced. "No… NCIS… Naval Criminal Investigative Service."

"I've never heard of them," The doctor admitted as Tony snorted ironically. "So you're in the Navy?"

"I work for the Navy not in the Navy, "He corrected. "And hardly anyone's heard of us."

"So have you been with NCIS for long, Agent DiNozzo?"

"Going on 13 years," He admitted.

The doctor decided to try again to discover the presenting problem. Do you think that you can tell me why you decided to come and see me, Agent DiNozzo?"

Tony shifted uncomfortably in his seat, deciding that was probably better to just get it over and done with. Like ripping a Band-Aid off a festering wound. "Tony… call me Tony. And… well it's not easy to admit this but I've noticed for some time that things haven't been right but just lately it's much worse."

"How so, Tony? Can you give me a bit more information? What is bothering you the most?"

Tony stood up and began to pace agitatedly. "I feel like I'm not me anymore. I feel like someone is influencing my thoughts and feelings. I feel like everything that I knew was true is suddenly all wrong and no one but me seems to notice. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND!" He revealed in a rush before dropping on the sofa and wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to self-soothe.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Yes bridgetlynn the story does deal with, among other things, Tony's apparent lobotomy. lol Thanks to everyone that reviewed, faved, followed etc. Although I can't access your reviews via the site atm they are still coming through, albeit it slowly into my email account so I can read them. And I know I've probably intrigued you with my classification combination, which sounds odd even to me. All will be revealed by the end of the story, I swear. Meanwhile, I really don't want to spoil the surprise.

Although I issued a warning at the beginning of the story, I am now giving a very specific one for this chapter. While the content of this chapter is all based on canon, TIVA fans will without doubt be grossly offended. I strongly recommend you save yourself the angst and go read TIVA stories.

This chapter is not beta'ed so please excuse any major boo boos.

Internal Conflicts

Previously:

Tony stood up and began to pace agitatedly. "I feel like I'm not me anymore. I feel like someone is influencing my thoughts and feelings. I feel like everything that I knew was true is suddenly all wrong and no one but me seems to notice. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND!" He revealed in a rush before dropping on the sofa and wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to self-soothe.

Appointment One: continued

"Okay Tony, Let's approach this by examining your statements, one by one." Dr Wilder coached him calmly. "Can you tell me why you think that someone is influencing you thoughts and feelings?"

"Because I'm acting totally out of character. I'm not acting like me at all."

George stared at the agitated man. "Can you give me an example?"

Tony pursed his lips in thought. "After being pressured to resign from my job this past year, I was reinstated after an extremely violent attempt on my life. I then went running off to the Middle East searching for a colleague."

"That must have been a very stressful time. How was your behaviour out of character?"

"Well for a start, my colleague didn't want to be found but I chased her for months and left the rest of the team short staffed. Trust me Doc, that's really uncharacteristic for me. I even rushed back to work after contracting the plague in a bio-hazard attack a week early because I didn't want to take time off work and leave my team short."

George wrote furiously, making notes to seek clarification about that statement later. Body language open to encourage Tony to continue, he nodded empathetically.

Grimacing he carried on. "Finally, I came home and resumed my job and then it all came crashing down. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think…started falling apart."

"Sounds like you miss the team member? Were you working together long?"

"Yeah I worked with her for eight years."

"That's a long time, you obviously have feelings for her."

"Yeah it is a long time in law enforcement and she's family, like a sister or cousin."

"Perhaps you are repressing your true feelings for her." The psychiatrist observed. "Spending months tracking her down seems rather obsessive…seems to suggest a little more than familial feelings for her."

"I know… that's what's so crazy. I can't believe I did it. It was almost as if someone else was forcing me to do it against my will or better judgement."

"Love and infatuation can make us do things that can feel crazy, Tony. Perhaps you care for her much more than you are prepared to admit to yourself."

"I knew you wouldn't take me seriously, Doc." He snarled. "I've been in love a few times in my life and I know that what I feel for Ziva isn't it. But I'm doing crazy things against my will and I don't know why, almost as if I can't control myself."

Tony started rubbing his forehead in an agitated fashion. "I am a master of self-control, normally."

"Love often makes us feel out of control, Tony. It can be scary but it is normal."

Tony leapt up and paced around the room as if pursued by the hounds of Hell. "I knew that this was a mistake," He muttered sotte voce, scowling at George. "Look I don't have romantic feelings for Ziva, I never have. I might have temporarily, at various times entertained lustful thoughts about her since she is hot but Doc, the woman is crazy with a Capitol C. She is a Kidon trained assassin and in case you don't know what Kidon is, it's the fabled arm of Israel's Mossad - it trains its elite assassins."

He took a breath before starting again. "She killed a suspect that annoyed her by talking too much…FYI Anthony DiNozzo talks non-stop…verbal diarrhoea. She has told me that no woman would want me, that she feels the need to shower after I talk to her because afterwards she feels dirty. Said that I was dead weight and she didn't want me to accompany her on a mission to South America. She, along with my other partner, turned off the microphone she was supposed to be monitoring in case I needed backup when I was undercover trying to locate a home grown terrorist cell. Terrorists who'd already murdered three people I might add, in case you think that there was minimal risk. Then they joked about it to my face when I came back to the car."

He paused for a moment and steeled himself before continuing, his face a mask of pain. "She accused me a killing her Kidon trained assassin boyfriend because I was jealous of him and was in love with her. She refused to acknowledge that I killed him in self-defense because he was trying to kill me. At that point she sicced her father on me after they dragged me off to Israel where he tortured me, trying his damndest to force me to confess that I killed her boyfriend because he was convinced by his daughter that I had romantic feelings for her."

Daring George to seize upon that statement with a glare worthy of Leroy Jethro Gibbs, he resumed his recitation. "That was even though it was her father who ordered him to sleep with his own ;daughter, since he doubted her loyalty. He set the whole mess in motion by setting her up with a raging alcoholic who killed a Federal agent. When I tricked her 'Daddy Dearest' into confessing that he'd set up his own daughter, she attacked me physically, knocking me to the ground, despite the fact I was already injured."

The federal agent studied his shoes assiduously before confessing, "And she held a loaded gun to my chest and my thigh and threatened to pull the trigger. She admitted that she wished I'd been killed instead of her boyfriend, even though he'd already killed a US federal agent and…" His voice wavered as he tried not to break down while confessing to the damning assortment of insults and assaults against his person… "She tried to have me thrown off my team that I had been on for nine years – the team that is like my own family."

Tony flopped down on the sofa, lying sprawled out, drained, his six foot two form seemingly out of steam. The psychiatrist was momentarily, caught off guard, wondering how he could have put his foot in his mouth so badly. Staring at Tony, he could just tell that there was more, though. So he waited. Sometimes it was better to say nothing, just listen rather that make assumptions and say or do the wrong thing. Especially since he had already! Watching Tony's heaving gasps subside to less laboured breathing, he was rewarded as his new client resumed his account, shakily.

"Then to cap it all off, her scumbag father who was director of Mossad no less… who… FYI, left her to die in a Somalia terrorist camp after a mission gone bad, well he just strolls in and turns our lives upside down again. He killed a journalist who had the misfortune to recognise him because he had come here in secret. As you do…right? And then with more hide than a rhinoceros, he waltzes in and invites himself to dinner with our director and his lovely wife and mother of his two little children and his enemies assassinated him. No great loss I say except our director's wife was killed too… collateral damage according to the analysts. Tell that to her kids!"

Something about that statement required clarification and Wilder made a note to pursue it at some later point.

Still very frenetic, Tony rushed on. "Then Ziva and our director leapt on board the crazy-train to Vendettasville and dragged us all along with them for the ride and I don't know why the Hell I took that train."

Tony stared into space, suddenly lost in memories - remembering how people at work were running around - ignoring procedures and protocols. It felt like he was in crappy remake of Charles Bronson's Death Wish ( which was already pretty damned crappy) rather than working for a federal law enforcement agency full of professionals supposed to be upholding the law. Sighing, he continued.

"They all ran around hunting the person that had been framed to take the fall for the death of her father… and she murdered him instead of arresting him which was her job as a federal agent. Ziva took an oath to perform her duties to the best of her abilities when she joined the agency. She renounced her Israeli citizenship and swore allegiance to the USA. She was supposed to uphold the laws of the United States, not ignore them." He drew breath, his eyes focused on the far wall as he recalled what had transpired in Baltimore.

"She should have arrested him so he could stand trial and answer for the crimes she believed he'd committed, not dispatch him. Just as she should have arrested her father for killing the journalist. He was someone's son, someone's family too and his life was worth no less than her father's. This is the United States, not Mossad – the man accused of murdering her father was entitled to a fair trial like everyone and you want to know what was crazy? I'm was a cop long before I became a Fed. I believe in the law and the concept of innocent until proven guilty, and George, what she did was wrong – it was the antithesis of all I hold true. Then when this guy from DOD came along and tried to hold her accountable for her actions, I defended her and said she hadn't done anything wrong."

Tony sat up ramrod straight and glared at the doctor as if he had just insulted him instead of remaining mute. "Hadn't done anything wrong? Maybe on Mars or Eli's Mossad but we have a rigid division in law enforcement for a damn good reason, Doc. We are not meant to be judge and jury. Cops aren't supposed to play executioner. Never ever! Yeah we kill people but only to save members of the public or ourselves or our colleagues when our lives are being threatened and it is always supposed to be a last resort. We are not supposed to kill for revenge, I truly believe that if we do, then we are no better than the criminals and terrorists. Yet for some reason I don't understand, I defended colleagues who broke the law and committed crimes. And after all that, you want me to buy into the idea that I am really in denial that I have romantic feelings for Ziva?"

He leapt up suddenly and raced to a large potted palm and proceeded to throw up his entire stomach contents and continued dry heaving long after food, bile and even hydrochloric acid had long ceased making an appearance. He gratefully accepted a bottle of chilled water and a damp paper towel that the psychiatrist offered him when he finally sat back on his haunches in relief.

"Thanks Doc," he gasped, spent.

George Wilder was shocked by the volume of information his client had spewed forth figuratively, before… um spewing forth literally. Not to mention the content of said spew which was outrageous and the depth of emotions engendered was intense. This was certainly not going to be a straightforward case as he'd first thought. Glancing at the time, he decided that he needed to wrap things up and also give Tony a sense of resolution about what he'd shared. He had a feeling the federal agent didn't open up very often and he'd only done so because he was in crisis mode. Time to validate and reassure the man. Frankly with everything he'd shared, he was surprised the man was capable of coherent speech. Personally he'd be tucked up somewhere in a nice safe padded room. Drooling!

"Let's sit down again Tony. So we can talk. And you're right, I don't think that this is a simple case of unrequited or unacknowledged love either. Before you ask, I'm not sure what is going on yet but we are almost out of time, so I'm wondering if you could come back again tomorrow. That way we can work on this some more together and get to the bottom of what's going on?"

He noticed that Tony looked emotionally drained but seemed pleased that the doctor was taking his concerns seriously. "Yeah, okay Doc," He croaked, his throat hoarse from puking.

"Thank you Tony, we'll talk more then, but for the last few minutes, I want to ask you about your family background. Have there been any significant disturbances in the family like schizophrenia, bipolar disorders, liver disease, seizures, night terrors. The more details the better." He asked carefully.

Tony saw straight through the ruse. "You're wondering if crazy runs in the family, Doc. Well here goes. My father is an alcoholic, my mother was an alcoholic although in her case it was, I suspect, a clumsy attempt at self-medicating. She was also clinically depressed and battled addictions to prescription meds too and before you ask… she died when I was eight and I'm not totally convinced that it was cancer like I've always been told. She was a confused and unhappy person, I know that much. One of her brothers was, according to the family, supposed to be a bit batty although he seemed okay to me. But then again, I'm obviously crazy too so what do I know?" He concluded, utterly defeated and very obviously exhausted.

Dr Wilder laid a comforting hand on his arm. "Tony, like I said, I'm not sure what we are dealing with, but you aren't crazy. You might be stressed but it seems to me like you have one Hell of a reason. Go home, try to get some rest, do some exercise, do whatever makes you feel relaxed and make sure you eat something nutritious. We will pick this up tomorrow and please… call me if you need to. Any time, day or night."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hopefully all the issues with uploading are sorted out now. Yesterday was frustrating! Thanks to all of those people reading, alerting, faving and my absolute, super duper personal favourite - the reviews :D Yeah I know that people are confused about the parody classification but like I said before, all will be revealed in due course. Once again this isn't beta'ed so excuse any big boo boos.

Warning: More discussion of incidence that don't present Ziva and Tim in a flattering light but hey it is all a part of canon so if it offends you then don't read it. :) Problem solved! More Tony angst I'm afraid - the guy has taken so much crap over the last eleven years that now he is finally detoxing er debriefing... it's going to get worse before it gets better and can Dr Wilder help or will he end up gibbering wreck?

Internal Conflicts

Chapter 2

Appointment two:

Now that he'd started unburdening himself, Tony found that it made him feel even more jittery and anxious than before. _So much for all that crap about a trouble shared is a trouble halved_. With no other alternative that he could think of though, Tony found himself turning up to the second appointment at Dr Wilder's office. He alternated between pacing up and down in the waiting-room and slumping nervously in one of the chairs. He hadn't been able to eat or sleep and Tony was seriously beginning to think that he was on the point of a mental breakdown - if he hadn't had one already. As he was starting to decompensate, the doctor stepped into the waiting-room and called his name.

"Tony would you like to step into the office?"

Tony shot up out of the chair and followed him inside and once inside, he flopped lethargically on the sofa.

"Okay Tony, I really want us to try to isolate the presenting problem if it's possible, today. If I can, I'd like to summarise what we covered yesterday and then we can go on from there. Does that suit you Tony?" The psychiatrist checked with his client, knowing that it was important for him to feel and be in control in this process.

Tony nodded. He just wanted to get on with it and learn if his 'crazy' was permanent or not.

"Good, well you mentioned that you feel like you are being compelled to behave in a manner that is out of character for you." He observed Tony to see if he was getting it right. Seeing Tony nod he kept going, paraphrasing what had been covered yesterday. "You told me how you left your job which was something that was extremely important to you, to chase after a colleague for months. Someone that you consider to be a surrogate family member and since you returned home, have been experiencing great distress because you feel like you have been acting like a lovelorn suitor when this is not how you actually feel about her. How am I doing so far?" The shrink checked in with Tony, who was listening carefully and indicated that he agreed with the doctor's statement thus far.

He proceeded stating the situation cautiously. "You also talked about the fact that the individual in question has in the past a) been abusive to you, both physically and emotionally and b) has behaved in ways that you find incongruent with your own personal code of ethics, not to mention the fact that she broke some extremely serious laws of the land. And finally, c) that in spite of this, you felt compelled to defend her and declare that she didn't do anything wrong, despite the fact that this doesn't accurately reflect your thoughts or feelings. So before we put this to the side for now, do you have any further insight into what we discussed previously?

Tony felt his stomach fluttering nervously. If Doc George didn't think he was certifiable before, he was going to be calling for the men in white coats when he heard what he had to say - but really what other choice did he have? '_Suck it up Anthony, not going sound any less bizarro tomorrow. _

"Um… yeah I guess so, Doctor. Last night it occurred to me that it was like I was in some cheap romance novel except that instead of being the leading man, I'm like some lily-livered damsel in distress."

"Can you tell me a little more about exactly what you mean, Tony?" The psychiatrist asked, as he leaned forward keeping his body language open to invite more information exchange, along with his verbal language. Of course, what he was yet to appreciate, was that Tony was well aware of the rules of interviewing because of his work and a childhood dragged to shrinks to 'fix' his issues.

"Look, I know how crazy it sounds… how I sound but it's like I find myself forced to look over at the empty desk in our bullpen sighing like a teenage girl and acting like I'm devastated that Ziza stayed in Israel. I'm not… oh I'm glad she is safe and all but truth to tell, mostly I'm relieved for all the reasons already discussed. But there are lots of other reasons too - like people will have to stop trying to pair us up constantly. McGee did it first with his 'Deep Six novel' although a more accurate description would be his cheap expose disguised as fiction based on real life cases and people then given the crazy treatment i.e. Agent Tommy and Officer Lisa." He ranted, beginning calmly at first but working himself into a state - clearly incensed, as he paced up and down, his movements manic."

"In fact, as whacked out as it sounds, and trust me, I know it sounds really crazy, it feels like I am living a life that is a caricature, that someone like Gemcity has written it, and is compelling me to behave in ways that are just so freakin out of character that I can barely even recognise myself. Kinda like art imitating life in Deep Six or that Jim Carey movie where his whole life was the movie!"

The doctor responded, reassuringly. "As I said before, as unlikely as what you think you are saying sounds, I'm sure together we can find some answers. You've raised more questions than answers that we'll need to explore but first let me paraphrase the gist of what you just said to make sure I understand. Is that okay with you?" He asked as he pursed his lips and tapped his forefinger gently against them in a gesture that Tony was starting to recognise as concentration or focus.

"You essentially feel out of control and find yourself behaving in ways that are not compatible with your beliefs, values or thoughts. You feel like you are being compelled to do things that you wouldn't if you had free will… is that correct?

Tony nodded. "Yep that about covers it I guess - except that I'm acting like a helpless girl – not that there's anything wrong with being a girl if that is who you are. But it just isn't who I am, I'm pretty capable when it comes to looking after myself and yet lately, I just haven't seem to be capable to fight my way out of a wet paper bag, Doc."

George leaned in. "Can you give me more information, Tony?" He asked.

Tony thought for a while. "Whenever Ziva was around, it was like I was emasculated and incapable of looking after myself - let alone anyone else. I'm not a delicate little petal and I don't appreciate being treated as if I am." He concluded irritably. "I can look after myself, well I thought I could, I used to before I became such a joke."

The doctor looked intrigued, "Can you tell me about specific instances so I can understand better, Tony?"

"Well yeah… a few years ago when my boss went off half- cocked on his own, he needed help. He drove straight off the docks and into the harbour with a civilian in an attempt to get away from a pair of assailants who were shooting at them. I saw the car head straight into the drink, ran for the dock flat out shooting as I ran, taking out both gunman and dived into the water and freed the girl who was unconscious under the water, bringing her to the dock and going back for my boss who's legs were trapped under the steering wheel column. I somehow managed to free him, bring him to the surface and then I had to resuscitate them both."

"That is a pretty impressive feat. Not many people could do that Tony. So why do you feel weak?"

"Well to give you an example there was a bomb that exploded…actually it was the same day that my partners switched off the microphone when I was undercover. I wasn't even close to the bomb but Ziva went running towards me and knocked me over, flinging herself on top of me to protect me like I was some delicate little hothouse flower."

"Why do you think that your team mate would do such a thing? It seems to be quite incongruent with her early behaviour with her turning off the volume on your microphone when she was supposed to be watching your back. That seemed to indicate a callous disregard for your welfare." The doctor observed writing down something on his note pad: **Ziva – highly erratic behaviour – what's the motivation?**

Tony stopped mid rant and pondered this query for a few moments. "There was an audience – lots of people around. But most important, our boss was there and she was a probie agent and had recently been in his bad books, lying to him. So I think the most likely explanation was she was trying to impress him by looking after a team mate. Or else wanting to get back in his good books since she is like a surrogate daughter to him." Tony pictured her self-satisfied expression when she revealed that Gibbs had been teaching her to play baseball. "Maybe… she was trying to make me look incompetent." _Wouldn't be the first time she'd pulled that stunt!_

George nodded and dotted some more information while Tony mused aloud.

"But at least that time I was distracted, looking for the bomb and trying to save innocent school kids and their parents. There was this other time I let her, a 100 pound nothing agent force me into an elevator when we were in the middle of evacuating NCIS HQ when a bomb was going off. I know that you don't enter an elevator shaft in the event of a bomb or earthquake event and I just let her push me around like a little kid rather than her senior field agent that outranked and outweighed her. So yeah… maybe now you can see why I'm feeling weak and why I'm so concerned that I am acting so uncharacteristic?"

The doctor frowned, "Hang on, I thought you said that Ziva was a former Mossad officer and Kidon assassin?"

"Yeah … she is."

"What the Hell was someone of her professional experience doing getting into an elevator during a bomb threat, instead of using the emergency exits? That is inexcusable… were you trapped?"

"Yes but luckily the cable didn't snap and we were freed after a couple of terrifying hours not knowing what was going on."

The doctor nodded thoughtfully, writing down **Ziva - death wish? ** on his legal pad. "Okay. Tell me about this Gemcity person and the book you mentioned…the actual book that was written, not the feeling that you have now of being trapped in a bad novel. I'm trying to get the background leading up to these feelings, if I can. It's all very convoluted."

Agreeing with that observation, Tony started giving the psychiatrist background information about how he and his team mates came to be the sources of a series of novels written without their knowledge or approval. How they found out the books when they were investigating a murder case involving his team mate's sister as a person of interest and how she let the cat out of the bag about her brother's book. He revealed how he was portrayed as swashbuckling but socially abhorrent… how he, or his alter-ego Tommy was screwing the brains out of Ziva's character, Officer Lisa.

Which he reasoned, might explain why everyone had been trying to force them together ad nauseam and why they kept calling them TISA since everyone at work knew that he was Tommy and Ziva was Lisa. How he was depicted as a boorish, skirt chaser, a dumb cop, a jock who didn't deserve to be on the same team as his more talented teammates… how he was painted as little more than comic relief. No mention in the book of his intelligence, undercover abilities, desire to protect and serve or professionalism on the job and ability to combine disparate clues to find viable leads that solved cases.

As he talked, Tony noted that his therapist was taking more notes. One of his undercover skills that came in handy was the ability to read handwriting and printed script upside down. It had helped him countless times to be able to read appointment books, hotel reception records, account books and the like. Now as he was venting…expressing himself… emoting… communicating… articulating… well anyway while he was 'sharing' he couldn't help but read the comments that Dr Wilder was writing. _**Betrayal of the team trust…passive aggressive much? Superiority complex... possible Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder – would explain a great deal.**__**What were his superiors thinking?**_

Tony felt shocked. "You think I betrayed the team's trust and that I have a Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder?"

The psychiatrist started violently and stared at his client. "You read upside down? Okaaay… I'll have to remember that and no, Tony I don't. I was speculating about this Gemcity fellow. It is classic passive aggressive behaviour – ask the targets of the Nanny Diaries or Postcards from the Edge - to write a tell-all book about real people using a non de plume. Frankly the betrayal of trust within a team, most especially one that requires reliance and interdependence on each other to the degree that law enforcement professionals do to function safely, well it shocks me and I'm amazed that you managed to work together as a group, at all." He frowned, thinking about what could have occurred. What already had!

He sighed empathetically, before continuing. "I imagine that being described as socially abhorrent must have hurt you deeply, not to mention him describing the ME's assistant as sleeping with the dead was… well words honestly escape me. I think you're all far too forgiving, especially since your colleague made a tidy profit from his reprehensible disloyalty to the team. If a colleague knifed me in the back like that I would have ripped his balls of and fed them to him." Seeing his client's look of scepticism, he coughed self- consciously before giving a nervous chuckle. "Well alright, would you believe I would have taken him to court and sued the pants off the asshole, then?" He conceded with a shrug.

Tony nodded. "Yeah, somehow you don't strike me as the Dirty Harry type, Doc."

George sighed and looked at the clock.

"Look, our time is nearly up but I'm going go through some meditation and self- hypnosis exercises with you to help reduce the anxiety you're experiencing. Although I don't want you to take this the wrong way Tony, I think that we need to schedule another session for tomorrow."

"Is that usual Doc?" Tony asked, worried by the shrink's recommendation. Was there something really wrong with him like major 'psycho crazy,' needing a padded rubber room and a nice, comforting strait jacket crazy?

"No Tony, not usual but not unheard of either. I just need to get an idea of the presenting problem, which I still haven't manage to do yet so we can figure out how to help you start to feel in control again. There's such a lot of data to analyse. So what do you say? Are you game to return again tomorrow?"

Figuring he didn't really have much choice, he agreed before George talked him through a very basic meditation technique that Tony found challenging but he tried his best to focus on it. Deciding at that point to leave the self-hypnosis until tomorrow, the doctor finished up with his distressed and skittish new client. The psychiatrist wondered if he should give him a script for a mild antianxiety med even before he had diagnosed the presenting problem. The man was an emotional mess!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Just wanted to extend thanks to those people who take the time to leave feedback. Oh and you know that you have scored a goal when writing a Tony story if you manage to provoke one of the Tony haters into complaining about him. Does wonders for my motivation - usually ends up giving me ideas for future stories - so good job. Just added a new plot to my list. Now if they could only make it possible to find the extra hours to write I'd be ecstatic. To the people who read, alert and fav - thanks too.

Just a reminder that this story is unbet'ed so if you find any major boo boos, drop me a line so I can fix them.

Internal Conflicts

Chapter 3

The third appointment:

DiNozzo went home and he tried to relax, he really tried to eat, he genuinely tried to sleep and when all his attempts failed, he tried to do the meditation exercise that the Doc had taught him earlier that day. Even that was an abject failure as he couldn't focus. Couldn't centre himself, still himself long enough to focus, couldn't stop his brain from galloping along at a million miles an hour. So much for that crap about talking was supposed to make everything all better. On the contrary, it seemed that all that happened was that it was just unearthing even more crap that he hadn't been aware of.

In the end, after enduring the worst panic attack of his life and faced with the very real prospect that he would have more, he used one of his coping mechanism that was a failsafe. At 0230 in the morning he went running and ran until he couldn't run anymore and then he made himself keep going until the pain forced his brain to shut down. Made him incapable of thinking anymore. In fact, he wasn't even sure how he made it back home. Then Tony threw himself into a hot shower and fell into bed before falling into an exhausted, restless sleep.

In the morning, he literally crawled out of bed on all fours since he ached from head to toe from pushing himself beyond what had been prudent. In trying to cope with the here and now, he couldn't afford the luxury of worrying about how his actions would affect him in the longer term. After showering again until his hot water ran out and swallowing down a handful of ibuprofen, he managed to make it to the couch before collapsing. He watched an episode of Magnum PI and then an Airwolf episode before he struggled out of the apartment to attend his third appointment at the shrink's in three days. Although he was in considerable pain, he found that it was an excellent diversion. It stopped him thinking so much.

Trying to ignore the massive panic attack he experienced the night before, he waited in the outer office of George Wilder hoping that his psychiatrist would finally have some answers for him today. He really wasn't sure how much longer he could hold everything together. _'Yeah right Anthony, this is what you call holding it together? Face it, you're destined for a long vacation at the funny farm…'_

"Tony, are you ready," George asked him calmly, interrupting Tony's private monologue.

xxxx

Dr Wilder stared at his client in dismay, although he was careful not to reveal his disquiet. Honestly, Tony was jumpy enough as it was but it was his physical deterioration that was concerning the psychiatrist deeply. His client appeared to be in a great deal of discomfort when he stood up and made the short journey into his office, moving like a nonagenarian. When questioned about his condition, Tony revealed that he had pushed himself well beyond what was sensible when running the previous night.

Knowing that the guy ran to keep fit and cope with the stresses of his job, Wilder didn't want to know how far he'd had to run to end up in so much pain and he was even more alarmed when he refused his offer of a muscle relaxant. Tony explained that as bad as his pain was, it was also preferable to the panic attack he'd experienced last night, plus the pain was helping to keep him centred. Luckily, when George insisted so that they could use their time to greatest advantage, he relented and swallowed down several.

_Damn, talk about feeling the pressure._ He really needed to get to the bottom of this before he had to hospitalise Tony for his own safety. He knew, if things got to that stage Tony would be devastated. It would be a huge setback, especially since he had assured the federal agent that he wasn't crazy. If he had to hospitalise him it would simply perpetuate the notion that he was insane, when in fact, what he saw was someone under enormous pressure - who'd been in a toxic situation. It had been damaging him for far too long.

After his introductory recap of what they had talked about in the last two sessions, Wilder had Tony explain what had been happening since his last session. That left the psychiatrist feeling quite agitated as he shone a therapeutic light on the elephant in the room.

"So Tony, what has been making you feel so anxious?" His derivation of the classic '_tell me how you feel'_ gambit.

"Um… I can't switch my brain off and the more I think about it, the more panicked I feel. I thought if I let out some of what was worrying me, if I talked about it, cuz it's all busting out at the seams, I thought I'd be okay. But letting it out has just made it worse. I mean, it should have made it better, made more space shouldn't it? But it's just bubbling over like a volcano and it's giving me the worst case of heartburn, ever." He rubbed his chest vigorously, "And brain burn," he admitted.

Dr Wilder consulted his calendar intently before calling his assistant to ask him to reschedule the next appointment. He realised that he needed to get to the bottom of this ASAP. This was make or break time- he could feel it intuitively.

"Okay Tony, I've cleared my next session so we have almost two hours to get to the bottom of all of this. I think we need to come up with a treatment plan as soon as possible. What else is wanting to come out?"

"Wondering what is wrong with me – if I've been brainwashed or drugged somehow, Doc?"

"Okay Tony why would you think that you are being brainwashed or drugged in some way. Tell me about it?"

"Um…you mean apart from what I've told you so far?"

"Is there more," The Doctor probed gently as his client nodded silently. "Tell me about it," he invited calmly, wondering how much more could there be. How much more could one person deal with on top of the stressors of a highly taxing and dangerous job, betrayal of a colleague and another one who was abusive?

"Have you ever woken up one day and realise you are a totally different person to who you used to be or maybe I've been deluding myself about who I really am." Tony finally revealed hesitantly.

"Well I could say that that is a common experience for most of us but before I do, maybe you should clarified that statement a little. Perhaps you could give me some examples." George encouraged.

Tony was silent, either deciding whether to speak further or figuring out what to say. Apparently it was the latter because he finally began speaking. "My mother died when I was eight, my dad ignored me and I learned to take care of myself since no one else ever did. They were both either drunk or had more important things to do, like make money or impress people. And when dear ol' Dad insisted I attend an Ivy League college to study business even though he'd already disowned me when I was 12., as I had no desire to turn out like him, I told him where to stick it. So I went to OSU on a sports scholarship and when I blew out my knee, I entered the police academy."

The psychiatrist processed that. "Not seeing a problem yet, Tony."

"Getting there, Doc. So Senior was apoplexic when I became a cop because DiNozzo's don't lower themselves to perform menial jobs like that. Much gnashing of teeth, claiming I was ruining the DiNozzo reputation but I didn't care about what he thought. When I got recruited by Philly PD after just two years I left Peoria and 18 months later due to extenuating circumstances I transferred to Baltimore PD. I became a detective while I was there, before finding out my partner was a crooked cop. Gibbs offer me a job at NCIS on his team as his second." Tony stated, briefly.

Sensing a story, he probed, "Care to tell me about the extenuating circumstances that made you leave Philadelphia?"

Tony flushed as his jaw tightened. "Nope."

Noting something on his pad, he signalled that Tony should proceed. "I became his 2IC less than a year after joining NCIS and after five years there, I took over when Gibbs retired suddenly. I was ambitious, smart, I took care of myself and I stood up for myself. Didn't let people bully me or take advantage of me - if they did I just hit the road, again. And then suddenly everything changed, just like that." He tapped a complicated rhythm on his thigh with his hand, something that Dr Wilder was to learn was something of a habit with Tony, especially when he was feeling conflicted.

"Then Gibbs came back just as suddenly as he'd shot through and demanded his job back, informed me of the fact by chucking the contents of my desk back on the old one again. But instead of telling that bastard to stick it and take the lead agent position in Spain that I was offered, I stuck around like a pathetic, abused dog and let him and the team walk all over me. I stayed, when the director almost got me killed working her personal undercover mission and that pissed off the CIA big time. Once, I let Gibbs tell me I was irreplaceable when I begged him for validation, right after a serial killer abducted and almost killed me. Then when I was feeling on top of the world about his irreplaceable compliment, he told McGee who wasn't on the team back then, that it was too bad but he couldn't have my desk cuz I was still alive." He looked the psychiatrist straight in the eyes and he could see the naked pain that the comment had caused. George shook his head in disgust.

"Gibbs told me constantly he trusts me but has kept me in the dark about so many missions. He refused to let me enforce chain of command issues with the junior team members, to the point that just a few weeks ago when he was away and I should have been in charge, he bypassed the direct chain of command. He put a junior officer in charge of the team and investigation ahead of me because he whined to Gibbs that I made him do something he didn't want to. When he hired me he told me you don't waste good – but that's exactly what he's done for a long time now."

George employed the therapeutic trick of saying absolutely nothing, hoping Tony would continue. He waited for several minutes before Tony finally started speaking again.

"My boss belittles me and cuts me off. Doesn't seem at all appreciative of how we sacrificed our careers for him by resigning to protect his ass and his job. So taking all that into account, what do I do… hang around being all needy and take what he deigns to dish up... sweet FA. The same guy who became a detective in record time and at a freakishly early age, who refused to take crap from my old man or the assholes in various PDs. I was smart, ambitious and a damned good detective and gifted investigator but I've hung around and let him use me as a whipping boy time after time, without a murmur of protest. I'm pitiful and I don't recognise myself anymore."

He vented, heatedly. "What the Hell is wrong with me? Why don't I tell them all to take a hike or better yet, why haven't I TAKEN A HIKE, long before now? If wouldn't be the first time. I feel like a fraud."

George realised that there was a lot of information that he needed to clarify, organise then analyse. There was so much going on with this guy, the psychiatrist concluded. He wondered how he hadn't ended up topping himself with the degree of toxicity he had, in not only his past but his current situation. He really was employed in the workplace from Hell, the psychiatrist decided. Ironic that it was a federal agency sworn to uphold the rights of others, when it couldn't even take care of their own people. Wilder spent almost an hour dealing with the issues surrounding what Tony had revealed before suggesting that they took a time out. Ten minutes later after leading him in a visualisation exercise and a bathroom break, he gingerly approached the minefield he could tell that Tony was avoiding.

"Right, well this is all very important information Tony. Not sure yet how to put it in context. I still think that we are missing something big and I'd really like for us to deal with it before I attempt to make sense of what is going on with you. Let's talk about your childhood." Dr Wilder wasn't oblivious to the look of horror, panic - perhaps both on his client's face before an expressionless mask slipped into place.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks for you reviews, alerts, and favs. I've had two people PM me with their suspicions about what is wrong with Tony. Also someone not liking my portrayal of Tony - likening it to the Tony that we all hate over the past several years. I agree - that's partly where the parody comes in. and the rest - well like I said, you have to wait and see. The next couple of chapters might give you more of an idea where this is headed. There are four more chapters and chapter 7 will finally have Dr Wilder make a diagnosis and formulate a treatment program.

Just to reiterate, this story hasn't had the benefit of a beta. If you notice anything major that needs to be corrected - I'd appreciate you letting me know so I can deal with it. Enjoy :)

Internal Conflicts

In the previous chapter -

I still think that we are missing something big and I'd really like for us to deal with it before I attempt to make sense of what is going on with you. Let's talk about your childhood." Dr Wilder wasn't oblivious to the look of horror, panic - perhaps both on his client's face before an expressionless mask slipped into place.

* * *

Chapter 5

Appointment 3 continued:

George Wilder watched as Tony did the therapeutic equivalent of '_abandon __ship' _ when he touched on the clearly touchy topic of family. He emotionally detached since he couldn't physically escape without making it blatantly obvious that it was because of a huge festering sore. Of course, that wasn't going to cut it either and Tony reverted to one of his fall back defence mechanisms - humour to try to divert the discussion he didn't want to have.

"How very cliché of you, Doc." He joked nervously, before pursing his lips in a way that had the psychiatrist thinking that it wasn't anger or defiance so much as a desperate attempt to prevent an outward manifestation of panic like a quivering lip. Sighing resignedly, he answered the previous request, to discuss his parents. "Let's not."

Proceeding carefully, knowing he had hit a sore spot which meant it was imperative that they explored it, George knew he had use utmost finesse and care. "Why is that, Tony?"

He was silent for several minutes before realising that Wilder would wait an eternity for a response. Giving in exhaustedly, he spoke in a monotone, barely above a whisper and George had to lean forward to catch his answer, "Because I'm going to sound insane."

Sighing, the psychiatrist leant forward even more and laid a gentle hand on Tony's shoulder to get him out of the funk he was slipping into. "Look Tony, I don't think that you are crazy but if you are thinking that something will make you look crazy then you need to share with someone. Rob it of its power to control you, since it sounds like it is something that might be important. We'll figure it out together," He promised before backing off to wait for Tony to make up his mind.

He watched as DiNozzo carried out a private conversation inside his head – his face for once betraying a gamut of emotions, before finally his shoulders slumped as an expression of despair and defeat manifest itself. "What would you say about someone who up until a couple of years ago thought that their childhood totally sucked, that their old man, aside from being an alcoholic, was a tyrant? Someone who forced me to report on my school day each night after measuring out my father's two fingers of McCallen whiskey? Who brainwashed me to believe that being weak was the worst sin possible, that it made me a failure? Who truly believed I had a father who told me that I would end up in the gutter and made it clear to me that I was a burden and inconvenience?"

Tony paused, clearly debating if he should continue before exhibiting even more hopelessness. "What would you say if I told you I was convinced he left me alone in a hotel room in Hawaii for two days when I was 12 because he forgot about me when I was a kid and not for the first time? Who disowned me – not disinherited – he disowned me, said I wasn't his son when I was 12 and send me away to military school. A dad who married repeatedly after my mother died, who ignored me pretty much my whole life, who wasn't exactly the spare the rod sort of guy when I did something wrong - which was most of the time."

Seeing Tony had run out of steam, Wilder decided to give him a prompt. "What sort of things did he not spare the rod for, Tony?"

"What… oh like well when I decided to make a Halloween costume because I knew that it was the only way I'd be like the other kids and have one. I was a real little shit – and talk about dumb. Took my father's designer snow suit and made a spaceman costume out of it. He was so mad when he found out, he tossed all my candy away and I couldn't sit down until Christmas.

"What about your mother?" George coaxed, softly.

"I mostly remember her being inebriated. You know, she drank the only pets I was ever permitted to have – some lame ass sea monkeys. She was so off her face she thought they were a glass of mint julep." Tony shuddered. "She forced me to dress up in sailor suits like some freaking doll - made me a target with the other kids. Then she went and died when I was eight and the old man told me that DiNozzo men didn't cry." He was lost in thought for several minutes before confessing, "She made me take piano lessons from a teacher who used to hit me over the knuckles whenever I made mistakes." He collapsed, gutted by all he revealed. He usually joked about any snippets of his family life he did choose to share, just so people wouldn't pity him.

The psychiatrist was confused, not clear why he felt any of that information might be grounds to suspect he was crazy. Realising that Tony expected feedback from him he obliged, cautiously. "What would I say? I'd say that you had a most unhappy childhood, an abusive, neglectful, unfortunate childhood. I guess what interests me though is how would you characterise your childhood and your parents, Tony?" Wilder enquired of the deeply trouble agent.

"I… I guess until a few years ago I'd agree that it was a pretty shitty childhood, although growing up I thought I deserved it, since I was such a bad kid." He said, nervously.

Leaving aside the obvious elephant in the room right now about deserving it, because it was a common enough reaction from neglected and abused kids, he focused instead on the part of Tony's assertion that jumped up, practically gnawing his butt off. "So what happened to change your mind, Tony?"

Watching as DiNozzo stood up and began to pace, George noted that the muscle relaxants had definitely helped his ability to move freely. That was a good thing of course as it meant he was feeling less physical discomfort, yet it also spoke volumes to his state of mind that such an apparently innocuous question could provoke such an extreme reaction. Finally, he came back and sat down and Wilder had the random thought that if it continued he was going to be re-carpeting his office in the not to distance future.

"A few years ago my Dad just appeared at one of our crime scenes. He was broke, having squandered the family fortune. I found out that he was nothing more than a conman and he was looking for new marks when I ran into him."

He saw the confusion and explained quickly. "I always thought that Anthony DiNozzo Senior was an uber rich, super successful businessman since we lived in a mansion on Long Island, had several other residences and travelled first class around the world. Anyway, Senior proceeded to charm the socks off my teammates and now he turns up at least once a year, embarrasses the Hell out of me with the team. He makes me look like a spoilt, ungrateful brat who doesn't appreciated him and my workmates encourage me to make peace with him, since they all think he's a great guy."

Leaping up and resuming his nervous pacing again, he continued. "It's like him being drunk most of the time, disowning a 12 year old kid and shipping me off to a military boarding school- and to this day never giving me a reason why, taking me to Hawaii and forgetting me and teaching me that I couldn't cry or even pass out because it was weak and DiNozzos mustn't show weakness… THAT WAS IRRELEVANT! Which means that it was all a figment of my imagination, it never happened and I made everything up cuz the team thinks dear old dad was such a great guy and they are top notch investigators. that they wouldn't we taken in by an abuser. That or, the only other possible explanation is it wasn't a big deal and should just suck it up and be grateful that he actually wants to reconcile with me. After all who else would want to spend time with me? " He asked, bitterly.

As the psychiatrist tried to process all the information, he couldn't help but ask for clarification. "Did any of your team mates know that happened to you during your childhood?"

"Um no, only what I told you…" he looked guilty, realising what he'd just let slip. Not bothering about further deception, he shrugged. "But yeah my Boss, Abby and the ME seemed to make rather pointed remarks at various points that lead me to believe that they knew more than what I'd told them. But obviously, I was wrong, because he was welcomed into our Christmas get-together with open arms. They even went to drag him back after I threw him out." He grimaced in pain, slowly sinking back onto the couch, rubbing his face with his left hand. Quite obviously he was exhausted after another poor night's sleep.

"Why did you throw him out, Tony?" Wilder asked curiously.

"When he used my bed to screw my nympho neighbour even after I told him I don't bring my own dates back to my own place because it is my sanctuary, I just saw red. Well…was my sanctuary, he tainted it. I've put up with him ignoring the fact that I hate being called Junior, tolerated that he discounts my feelings as unimportant, that he didn't have an invitation to stay with me and wasn't sensitive to what was important to me but finding him in my bed with my neighbour was the straw that broke the camel's back." Tony paused, as if expecting the psychiatrist to express disapproval. at him kicking his dad out. When none was forthcoming he shrugged.

"So you see, I either just imagined everything in my childhood, made a mountain out of a molehill or… maybe I'm a compulsive liar. That makes more sense, right Doc?" He looked at Wilder, desperately grasping at straws.

Dr Wilder looked seriously out of his depth and was lost for a response since he didn't know where to begin in the storm of data dropped into his therapeutic lap. Tony immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"See, I told you I was crazy. Who else invents a crappy childhood and totally believes it? I mean, people do stuff like that to get sympathy, right? Isn't that Munchausens Syndrome - I'm a pathetic pile of shit!"

George could feel the self-loathing pouring off his client. Was he out of his depth – maybe? Was he ready to admit it? No way in Hell – here was someone drowning and he was going to toss him a lifeline. Figure out the rest later on.

"Tony I've only known you briefly but you seem to be the last person who want people's sympathy. In my observation, you blame everything on yourself and hate being pitied. Just because your colleagues seem to have difficulty separating out the personality of your father from his behaviour, doesn't mean that it never happened and that it wasn't neglectful or abusive. I'll admit, that as investigators, I would expect them to look below the surface and know that perpetrators don't all present as evil or unlikeable people. but don't let their ignorance rule your life."

"But I've imagined something big that didn't happen in the past, so why couldn't I have made up my whole childhood?" Tony argued, clearly determined to be the bad guy. "I convinced myself that I had bullied this kid along with the other bullies when I was at boarding school. I remembered doing some horrible and embarrassing stuff to him and then got it into my head a couple of years ago that I had to apologise. When I found him, he told me I didn't bully him, it was the other way round - I was the one up the flagpole in only my underwear. If I could fabricate that episode and convince myself it happened, then why couldn't I imagine everything else? My team wouldn't suck up to Senior if he was an abuser."

George made more notes trying not to grimace at the amount of damage done to this individual during his formative years. "When you confronted this bully and he told you what had happened, did you then remember it happening to you?" He enquired gently, mentally noting that once again Tony was feeling that he needed to apologise for things that he had no responsibility for. And wasn't that just classic behaviour for an abused child – he really ticked the boxes.

"Um well yeah I guess so, and other stuff that happened back then too. I was scrawny and I got picked on right up till I had a growth spurt and started getting onto the basketball and football teams." He revealed guardedly.

"Well there's the answer. It's not that uncommon for kids to repress traumatic incidents and it sounds like that must have been terribly embarrassing – given the indoctrination about weakness you'd received by your father. So you transposed it and flipped it round. Yet when confronted with the reality, you still recalled the truth. That hasn't happened with your father, even when you question that it might all be a fantasy, so I'm pretty sure that it really did happen the way you remember – for a number of reasons."

Tony looked unconvinced. "You saying you remember another childhood, Tony?" George challenged him.

"I used to go to the movies with my mother and I went fishing one time with Senior." He offered, seemingly determined to paint himself as either crazy or a fraud.

"So you don't remember being left in Hawaii or your father drinking or you mother drinking or being disowned and going to military school?" the doctor asked intently.

"Well um yeah um yeah I guess but what if I am imagining it all. What if I'm crazy, Doc" He gasped, desperately.

Sighing inwardly at his failure to reassure Tony, George stood up and walked over to his desk, rummaging around. He returned with a brochure and place it into his client's hands.

"What's this, Doc?"

"This is a health retreat that I go to when I'm really physically stressed and work gets too overwhelming, Tony. I don't want you to be alone until we can figure this out and I don't want you around any of your workmates at the moment, either. Solace will pamper you, give you some massages which you need, trust me. You can have spas and participate in yoga and meditation sessions for relaxation and I only want you to do moderate exercise, under their close supervision. I do not want you to do what you did last night to try to prevent panic attacks. I'll ring and let them know that you're coming. They even have a really amazing African drumming class that is great stress reliever."

He convinced Tony to book into the up market health spa and come back again tomorrow. On the surface it looked like this guy was the victim of severe abuse, both as a child and in his current work situation coupled with a severe case of stress but George felt like he was missing something big and he needed to figure out what.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Thank you to everyone who has taken the time and effort to leave reviews or faved and alerted. NCIS Fan - Dissociative Identity Disorder is an interesting theory and not so surprising that Tony would think that movies and one fishing trip can make up for all the other abuse that his parents have heaped on him. Sadly, it is a pretty common denominator in neglected and abused children (and domestic violence survivors too). He also continues to use the same faulty logic as an adult in accepting the abusive treatment he receives from the team, including being able to rationalise head slaps as a sign of affection. That in its self speaks volumes about the damage that was done to him but while he has an excuse, I'm not sure what excuse the rest of the team has in fawning all over Senior.

Hope that you enjoy this chapter.

Internal Affairs

Chapter 5

Appointment four:

Tony sat down on the soft as a baby's butt leather sofa in Dr George Wilder's office. He had spent last night at the retreat/spa and hadn't had any major melt downs for which he was incredibly thankful. Panic attacks really truly sucked so he was prepared to put up with the whale songs and tinkling waterfall music/ambient noise CDs playing in the background, lentil burgers and chickpea casseroles. It seemed such a small price to pay for peace and dreamless sleep. Hell he'd even eat that tofu crap Cate used to consume if it helped keep the attacks at bay.

They'd been also persuading him that rather than drinking Gibbs' strength coffee to try to stay awake so he didn't have nightmares, he should drink green or chamomile tea instead to help him relax and sleep peacefully. They'd even given him a massage before he went to bed last night. So, all in all, for the first time in days he was starting to feel better rather than worse. It felt real good!

He smiled at George who was fussing with his file. "Before we get started Tony, I just need to clear up something on your intake form. You listed your year of birth as 1973, you crossed it out and put 1968 and then scrubbed that out too. So I don't have a date of birth for you for my records. What year were you born?"

The look on anguish on his client's face told him this wasn't a simple clerical error. The psychiatrist had just stumbled blindly into another major psychological issue that hadn't come up yet. Just when the psychiatrist thought he might have reached the limit of what was distressing him, a routine question had wiped the tentative smile off Tony's face. And it was the first one he'd seen that wasn't a mask or deflection but one indicative of his emotional state.

Needless to say he wasn't feeling so happy any more. Now Wilder wasn't an advocate of avoiding issues – that was never a prudent course of action since it merely delayed the inevitable. What people never seemed to appreciate, was that the ensuing crisis when it finally occurred, was almost always much worse than facing the issue head on. Mind, he also wasn't advocating chucking in a lit stick of dynamite either and then trying to clean up the mess but that was exactly what he'd done. Completely inadvertently,_ damn it!_

"Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that there was a problem here. Do you want to tell me what's going on, Tony? Why don't you know what year you were born in?" George asked gently.

"I did…well I thought I did. I mean who doesn't know how old they are…right. Well me it seems. I guess I must have lost five or even six years somewhere along the way – which just goes to prove that I am crazy as a loon."

Seeing that Tony was beginning to hyperventilate George had him slow down his breathing and to take deep breaths and hold it. Tony had mentioned in passing that he had problems with his lungs so the therapist was mindful of this complication, wanting to avoid any more problems for his client. When his breathing had normalised he continued to probe gently.

"So let's start with why you thought that you were the age that you did. That sound okay, Tony?"

Tony shrugged. Not knowing your age was a pretty big red flag – George could say what he liked. Maybe there was a block of years that he'd been undercover on a counter intelligence op or a sect had kidnapped him and wiped his memory or he'd suffered a head injury and had amnesia. Or if it walked like a duck and talked like a duck it must be a duck and he was a sandwich short of a picnic, just like he'd tried to tell his shrink. Unfortunately, the esteemed doctor didn't seem willing to accept the cold harsh truth.

"Thought I was younger than I am, Doc." If that doesn't tell you I'm a candidate for a seat on the bus to the mad house then not sure what will."

"What happened to make you doubt your age? Something obviously did," Wilder observed.

"Once my father started turning up again these last couple of years and we started talking. He told me about the family bottle of wine 1968 Chateau Le Claire, that he purchased the year I was born and he saved, even when he liquidated other family assets – no pun intended. He was so adamant about it and I mean it's not like a parent wouldn't be in the best position to know the year that their only child was born, surely." Tony demanded of the psychiatrist, passionately.

George refused to be drawn without having the full facts in black and white in front of him, especially since Tony had already conceded that his dad was an alcoholic, even if he might be on the wagon now. After all long term alcoholism caused blackouts, memory loss and excessive consumption of booze fried brain cells. Ignoring that for a moment he returned to the second date that Tony had thought was his DOB.

"So before speaking to your father in recent years there must have been reasons why you thought you were younger?"

Tony scrubbed at his face with the palms of his hands. "Apart from the fact that I just always thought so, you mean? Well okay… I graduated from OSU when I was almost 21 and went straight to the Police Academy and completed the 6 month training program. Then after I graduated, I worked at Peoria PD for two years and then went on to Philadelphia PD for 18 months before I spent another two years at Baltimore. Unless I have a huge block of at least five years plus, that I've somehow forgotten or I been abducted by aliens, by my reckoning I was almost 27 when I went to work with Gibbs. I've worked at NCIS for the last 13 years – at least I think I have, since I don't know what to believe anymore. So that means that I'll be 40 soon but according to Senior I was born in 1968 and suddenly, ever since then, everyone is telling me I'm 45 this year. Any wonder I feel like I've lost my marbles – this is just nuts!"

George was flabbergasted. He really did not know what to say after that. He'd been trying to clear up something that he thought was a simple administrative mistake. and was totally unprepared for the storm he'd unleashed so innocently. Honestly, it was highly probably just greeting Tony was fraught with danger – like taking a stroll through a minefield, stoned and blindfolded. Not a sensible activity at all and yet now that Pandora was released out of her box, there was no coaxing her back into the neat little receptacle again. That left no choice – it was onward and upward. Looking at Tony, it was clear that there was more information waiting there that needed to be lured out.

"I can certainly see why you feel that way, Tony. I sense your frustration but I also feel that there are things that you have held back? Do you want to talk about it?"

Sighing, Tony decided to share some of what he 'd held back. "Just that when I go under cover, I've always used 1973 as the year of my date of birth on my identity papers. I've always followed the rule that when working undercover, you keep as much of your backstory as you are able as close to the truth as possible. That way, it's harder to be tripped up when you're under pressure or worse, under constraint."

George shuddered at the casual mention of constraint. Constrained was a much more genteel way to describe beating, bashing and torture and it was a pertinent reminder that the man sitting in his office was no stranger to constraint.

"I've always kept the year and the day the same as mine or what I thought as mine and changed the month – either the month before or after mine. Just like I usually go by some derivative of Anthony – especially when I'm deep under cover for months at a time. It makes it easier to stay in character and that is often the difference between success and failure."

_And living and dying, _George reminded himself.

Meanwhile, Tony was silent as a theory began to emerge. "George, is it possible that all my undercover work might be what's causing me to crack up?"

The doctor pursed his lips. He couldn't see off the top of his head why that would have any effect. What was startling was that Tony seemed to read his confusion with ease and began to explain. For a so called self-confessed crazy guy, that showed great insight.

Tony tried to explain. "When I go under cover, especially deep under cover, I don't just adopt the new identity when other people are around. I live that new persona 24/7 – not unlike a method actor. Depending on how long I stay under cover, when the case is closed, it can take anywhere from a day to several to start to shed the undercover persona and pick up my own personality again. Even then, it isn't that unusual for me to be off balance, irritable, not acting in character. Sometimes it might take a couple of weeks to settle back in again, totally."

Wilder considered this information carefully. He could see why Tony was grasping at this as a possible explanation. Truthfully, he didn't know what to think. He'd discussed this case with the other psychiatrists in his practice and they'd been scratching their heads somewhat – reaching for increasingly more outlandish possible diagnoses as the more mundane ones were ruled out. After hearing the latest revelations about missing time and method acting, he could only imagine the differential diagnosis they were going to come up with. It gave him a headache even thinking about their next practice meeting.

"Okay, I have to admit that this is out of my league, Tony but I'll do some research about all this and get back to you. So let's do a recap of what we've discussed so far." Wilder said as he began to succinctly summarise what they had covered in their time together.

As Tony listened, he realised George was feeling out of his depth. That being the case he was glad he hadn't mentioned that apart from his confusion about his age, he wasn't the only one. Imagine how crazy he would sound if he'd talked about Gibbs being at least half a dozen years younger than when Tony first started at NCIS. When he'd arrived in DC, he was pretty sure Gibbs was just barely old enough to be his father. Now that Gibbs was suddenly a lot younger, combined with the fact that Tony was five years older than he'd thought, that put Gibbs into the big brother category rather than a paternal one. It definitely made them part of the same age cohort.

Tony had turned down the Rota promotion because he'd wanted to wait and take over the MCRT when Gibbs retired - hopefully permanently this time. Especially since for four months it had been his team and he wanted it back again after all the blood sweat and tears he'd poured into it. At this rate though, his boss was never going to retire and by the time Tony eared the gig as SSA, he was going to be using a Zimmer frame to chase down the bags of excrement. Or he and Gibbs would end up being the same age and retire together. _Holy Caped Crusader, Gibbs is Benjamin Button!_

Maybe this was just some elaborate dream that he was having – or nightmare and none of it was real – like Dallas and Bobby Ewing. Maybe he was delusional and he was already incarcerated in a psych ward and this was just a psychotic break. Or what if he'd been abducted by aliens and his brain was being probed and they'd planted this outlandishly extravagant fantasy. Maybe he was just a disembodied brain in some hinky alien's laboratory somewhere in the universe and this was some sort of cosmic joke. Wait, it might be a supernatural phenomenon - what if he'd accidentally been transported to an alternate reality and that was why everything was the same but different. It might even be something really simple like someone was slipping him magic mushrooms or weed or hallucinogenic …

"You don't agree, Tony?" Wilder probed, insistently.

"Whoa… um what?"

Wilder sighed, long sufferingly. "I was saying that when I sat down to analyse all the data we'd collected so far, I discovered a disturbing trend. The statistics show that you're at an unacceptably high risk of death and injury whenever you are paired up with Agent David and I strongly recommend that you don't go out into the field with her anymore. I think that she may have a death wish."

Tony remembering the shipping crate incident and the Domino fiasco plus the bomb defusing episode that he'd never shared with the doc and was hard pressed to argue with his conclusions. But he hastened to reassure him. "Look, Ziva resigned from the Agency and returned to Israel… she's finding herself. We have a brand spanking new shiny probie, who's an Intelligence analyst. I won't be going on any cases with Ziva anymore," He assured his psychiatrist.

"I'm serious, Tony. Stay away from her – she is not good for your health. I hear what you're saying - that she's gone but from what you tell me, you didn't report her assault on you in Israel because you thought she had left the team. And she came back again – so I'm saying that should she ever decide to return to the agency, you need to run screaming in the other direction. I've read the medical file you brought me yesterday and I am appalled at your injuries. Sometime soon your luck is going to run out."

"Okay, point taken. But seriously Doc, how likely is it that I'm ever going to be fit to go back to the field myself? I'm a cot case. What if I have a panic attack in the middle of a fire fight or when I'm trying to take down an assailant? I'm a danger to me and anyone that happens to be with me." Tony demanded.

The psychiatrist paused as he considered the issue of Tony returning to work as a field agent. He agreed at the moment that was looking like an issue that they didn't need to focus on too heavily, since they had a lot of work to do before that bridge needed to be crossed. He was still floundering around like a fish out of water and no real idea what he was dealing with, either. If anything, after today he was even more out of his depth and he was going to give some serious consideration into finding Tony someone who might be better equipped to figure out what was going on. Honestly, how could he come up with an efficacious treatment plan if he couldn't even arrive at diagnosis? Tony wasn't the only one that was having a crisis of confidence.

Resorting to platitudes that they would both go home with homework, for him a ton of research and Tony- to indulge in more pampering at the hands of the staff at the wonderful Solace, he hoped to have an epiphany sometime soon. If not, he was beginning to think that the suggestion of one of his colleagues that he should be sending him for brain scans wasn't so OTT after all. He'd almost be relieved to find a brain tumour at this point. And while some of his contemporaries might feel expressing his concern about Tony working with Agent David being a health hazard was far too premature, he couldn't agree. If anything were to happen and Tony left before they satisfactorily resolved his situation and who could blame him, at least he had fulfilled his duty of care and warned him that he felt she posed a clear and present danger to him. If Tony did change therapists, Wilder would be able to live with himself at the very least. Sighing, he realised it was time to conclude this session before they stumbled into any more minefields.

"Okay Tony, why don't you show me how you have been going with that self-hypnosis technique we practised and then I'll try to do a summary. Then we'll conclude with a visualisation exercise. Let's schedule your next appointment for two days from now. That will give me a bit more time to research this issue about undercover work and you can see how your coping skills are holding up too. Of course if you need to talk to me any time before then, you can call me anytime of the day or night."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Thanks to everyone who read, faved and alerted. A huge thank -you for all you wonderful people who leave us writers your reviews. Reviews feed our creativity. Writing is a joy but the drafting, proofing, editing and polishing isn't anywhere near as alluring, so you reviewers make the difference between me writing something fresh that feeds my creativity and excitement or uploading a chapter that I've crafted and grafted. Which brings me to my next point lol. I had every intention of posting this 2 days ago but since buying my new computer I've discovered another flaw in the latest Word. It let me inadvertently wipe a file by incorrectly saving chapter 7 as chapter 6 so I lost hours of edits and redrafts.

As to some people's concerns over the competence of Dr Wilder, I think that things will be clearer after you read this chapter. I will say though that psychiatrists are medically trained doctors first and foremost and most still use a medical model to diagnose and treat mental disorders – often with drugs – so it isn't so surprising that they place such emphasis on diagnosis. As to the duty of care issue – there is plenty of research that supports the view that many clients shrink-shop. They move from one to another therapist when they don't get results, but are unwilling to tell their therapists that they aren't happy and the professionals then assume that the presenting problems have been resolved. George was just making sure in case this happened, that he'd warned Tony that he felt he was in physical danger.

Warning: The next two chapters will no doubt offend fans of Ziva and TIVA so my recommendation is to save yourselves and me the drama of you reading, then flaming me and me responding. Just remember there are more than enough stories out there that won't offend you, so read those instead. That's what I do with the TIVA stories.

Internal Conflicts

Chapter Six

Appointment Five:

George Wilder looked out into his waiting room and swallowed nervously. This whole business was so far outside of his area of expertise, let alone his comfort zone but the bottom line was that his client was in pain and he needed help and support. Tony had come to him to get that support, so he just had to suck it up, put his apprehensions aside and just get on with it. Of course he would offer to refer Tony to the acknowledged expert in the syndrome now that they had a clue what they were actually dealing with. The bottom line was that though, the uncertainty of not having a diagnosis was scarier than finding out that he was woefully unprepared for what was to come.

Taking a deep breath and striding out into the waiting room with his calm therapeutically confident persona, otherwise known as a game face firmly in place, he made his way to Tony and shook his hand while making a visual assessment of his client. While the man still looked strained and exhausted, there was a definite improvement from several days ago. He smiled and invited him into his office, wondering what this session would bring.

As his client sat down on the sofa he smiled at him. "So how did you find being at Solace?" he inquired, referring to the health resort he had sent Tony to four days before, so that he could dial down his stress levels that were rapidly becoming dangerous.

"Pretty good, Doc. I've managed to meditate a bit and the yoga and massages helped too. I even slept for four hours last night," He reported and George noted automatically that his affect was less frenzied, his speech less staccato, even his body language was a little less tense.

"Good, that's good. I'm going to suggest that you stay there for a while longer. It definitely seems to be helping you. Well I wanted to see you since I think I might have a handle on what has been causing all these issues for you. I spoke to the other psychiatrists and psychologists here in the practice and we agreed on a diagnosis after I consulted with the recognised authority on this particular condition. He's even offered to take over your case, especially during the treatment phase, although," He reassured the man opposite him who was beginning to protest, "If you really want me to, I'll continue to act as your therapist. Just hear me out first."

Tony still looked panicked but nodded. "Yeah, okay. So I was right wasn't I? Anthony DiNozzo is certifiably mad, a sandwich short of a picnic, a few fries short of a happy meal, loony tunes, mad as a hatter, not playing with a full deck, cra- cra, insane in the membrane, got a screw loose, wigged out, batty …"

"Tony," his doctor interrupted his diatribe. "I said before that Anthony DiNozzo isn't crazy and I am still of the same opinion. My colleagues and I concur that you have a condition that is reasonable rare called Multiple Identity Cognitive Conversion Confusion Condition or MIC4.* It is a stress related dissociative condition seen almost exclusively in actors – definitely exacerbated by physical and mental exhaustion and it's thought to be caused by taking on multiple roles at the same time. According to Dr Harrington-Smyth who is the world expert on MIC4, in his experience it only ever occurs in actors that submerse themselves fully in their roles while juggling too many in too short a time frame, such as yourself Mr Mike Climately.* Along with additional stress, if it's severe enough, it can cause them to lose their real identity and adopt one or more of the ones they have been playing." The psychiatrist was at pains to explain everything calmly and carefully, not wanting his client to misinterpret what he said or panic.

"You keep talking about roles, but I haven't worked any undercover roles for a while. Surely if it was going to happen that I developed this MIC4 disease thingy it would have been when I was working for almost a year on the La Grenouille case and also going to work and having to be me during the day because it was a secret that I was undercover. I definitely got caught up in my alter-ego Tony DiNardo then but I'm not doing anything at the moment. So I don't understand how this happened now." He argued, puzzled.

Dr Wilder looked pained. He was hopping that a simple verbal prompt would be all that was necessary. Dr Harrington-Smyth had recommended trying it first, but hadn't been exactly sanguine that it would work. It seemed that it wasn't going to be so easy to resolve and he just hoped he didn't blow it. His client really was doing it tough.

"No that's not what I meant, Mike. It is Anthony DiNozzo that's the role, he doesn't exist. It's a fictitious character created for a television show about a real life agency called NCIS. You're an actor called Mike Climately and you've played that character for the past eleven years. My young protégé, Dr Jordan Perrot is a huge fan of yours. She was so excited when she saw you leaving my office after your last appointment. It's really how I finally figured out what we were dealing with. Just a pity that she never saw you here before. We would have figured it out a lot sooner." The psychiatrist responded to his client who looked eviscerated, as well he might.

Standing and walking over to his small office fridge, Wilder withdrew a bottle of sparkling water and handed it to his confused client who sipped it and looked at him with wounded eyes. After taking a breather to give Tony aka Mike time to process the information that the psychiatrist had delivered, they started up the discussion again. His client, while still not wholly accepting of the diagnosis or his real identity, nevertheless had questions and Wilder was glad since it indicated that he was willing to listen.

"You said that MIC4 occurs when someone takes on multiple roles but according to you I've been "playing" Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, for 11 years so how do you explain that?" He asked, emphasising the word 'playing' using air quotes.

Wilder nodded. "Good point but it seems that it can all be explained by retroactive continuity which effectively had you playing multiple roles. According to my research, it is the alteration of previously established facts of a work of fiction that directly affects continuity." He clarified, seeing confusion in Mike's eyes.

"In the opinion of my junior partner Jordan, your character probably would be eligible for the Guinness Book of Records for the most applications of retcon for a single character in a television series and your fans are very unhappy about it. It seems that the character of Anthony DiNozzo has had numerous instances where his character has been completely rewritten as well as other occasions where the retcon has been of a more minor nature." George referred to his notes before continuing.

"He went from being technologically competent in the first season to being a techno-dummy in the next to make room for a new character who was a computer genius. From being 2IC, responsible for training junior members to being a joke that no one took seriously. From being a professional and talented team leader capable of maintaining an outstanding case closure rate, plus a highly skilled, under-cover operative to being a kept around for comic relief. Not to mention your most important role as a mere love interest for the new producer's golden girl. Instead of the capable and competent cop and agent, you got to stand around while she beat up all the bad guys and she saved your pathetic hide every week because you were the damsel in distress to her knight in shining armour."

Wilder thanked his lucky stars that Dr Jordan Perrot, his young protégé was so clued in on all this popular culture stuff. She'd sat him down and showed him a montage of episodes and provided a NCIS for dummies primer. He'd have been so totally up the proverbial creek without a paddle without her expertise in this case.

"Jordan and a few other experts I've consulted in mass media and film studies, agree that the Ziva character was written hoping to recreate the chemistry between you and another of your leading ladies, Jessica White* in your previous TV show. They wanted to capture the teen and twenty something female market and fashioned a character based on the Max Guevara role that has far too many characteristics in common with her for it to be simply a coincidence…"

"Well as Gibbs says, there's no such thing as a coincidence," Mike chipped in, his Tony persona firmly in control, although the psychiatrist could see the doubts still there about what he was saying. Clearly, he needed to make the case.

"Max was a genetically manipulated, child prodigy, trained as a super soldier, taught to be a deadly assassin who would kill without mercy. She was capable of whooping some serious ass in hand to hand combat, and she escaped her upbringing and evaded a depraved father figure to seek personal redemption as a young twenty something to find a family. She was athletic, dark eyed and had long dark hair, and was a brooding, sexy, Latino type. Ziva was pretty much a carbon copy of all of the above, apart from the genetically enhanced bit or the father figure since it was her biological father that had created a trained killer and finally, she was supposed to be Israeli."

Pausing, Wilder drew breath before continuing. "The missing link that they failed to recreate successfully was a character that had vulnerability and inspired affection, her fierceness wasn't tempered by empathy and loyalty. Their character had psychopathic tendencies and her abusive and bullying predispositions made it hard to feel empathy for her, unlike the emotional connection that the Max character so easily evoked in the audience. Unfortunately though, the violent attributes fed into the recent popular phenomenon within a certain sub-population of younger females. They seem to equate bullying, physical intimidation and beating up of individuals they perceive as having dissed them, as strength of character and something to emulate. She became a role model for all the wrong reasons."

Wilder frowned, since he considered this disturbing development where some females saw binge drinking, drug taking and brawling as the height of female equality, strength and something to strive for. In researching how to help Mike with this MIC4, he'd been shocked at how many of these fans thought that it was perfectly fine for a law enforcement character to knock an injured agent/colleague to the ground, perfectly fine to cock a loaded gun at her team mate's chest and thigh and threaten to pull the trigger. He'd been stunned to discover that there were even fanart depictions of the scene, apparently celebrating her whooping her superior's ass. By not showing that there were serious consequences for this behaviour, these impressionable fans got the strong message that this was the epitome of strength rather than weak, cowardly behaviour that was abhorrent to a civilised society.

He was equally dismayed to see that in the same episode where there had been no consequence for such violent, criminal behaviour, it also wasn't the only example of her assaulting a colleague. Earlier, the same character had assaulted her Mossad superior because of her rage at him for arranging for her apartment to be blown up by a gas leak to rid it of incriminating evidence - again without any type of consequence. Considering they were supposed to be writing a procedural crime show about law enforcement, the psychiatrist felt like it sent a highly dangerous message, a double standard that was worrying.

He personally might not watch much television and many people would simply brush off his concerns as being inconsequential, since it was only a TV show and shouldn't be taken seriously, but he begged to differ. Books, music, TV show and movies were the new narratives that moulded the next generation in many ways. Forged attitudes in morals and ethics, societal mores and enculturalisation in much the same way that fairy tales had done in simple peasant, agrarian populations in earlier centuries. These simple tales served to highlight vitally important messages.

Where good and bad were clearly delineated and the forces of light triumphed over evil, where those committing crimes against others faced consequences that discouraged violent and dangerous behaviour. But the writers of this show seemed Hell-bent on flouting the law constantly, the people supposedly enforcing the law seemed to break it constantly and get away with it because they were the stars of the show. It honestly scared the crap out of him. What ever happened to the black and whiteness of Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia and Darth Vader?

Realising he'd been engaging in some serious wool gathering, Wilder ploughing on again. " Well as I said, when you start looking for similarities between Max and Ziva there are far too many to be brushed off as mere coincidence. And in another example of retcon of your character, when they decided to write Anthony DiNozzo's father into the show, they cast a popular Hollywood leading man. That's when they chose to rewrite canon yet again and all the abuse and neglect that Senior had done to your character was conveniently forgotten as if it never happened. Anthony DiNozzo Senior became a loveable rogue and conman who never would have lifted a hand to his son, chiefly because the actor was such a popular figure who'd worked with acting luminaries such as Spencer Tracey, Fred Astaire, Steve McQueen, Bette Davis, Paul Newman and Sir Laurence Olivier." He looked over to see how Climately was handing all this information but he still didn't have the light of recognition in his eyes, rather a quizzical frustration, as if Mike was striving for something just out of his reach.

He referred to the extensive notes Jordan had prepared for him. It would have been much simpler if Climately had consulted her in the first place, since he barely watched television. She would have cottoned on to what was going on much sooner. Sighing inwardly, he bravely plodded onward and upward, knowing that this was going to be a slow and steady race. Honestly, if someone had predicted even a month ago that he'd be explaining retcon to an actor battling a case of MIC4 he'd had laughed in their face…and yet here he was doing just that.

"Around the same time as they cast him to play your father on the show, the then executive producer gained ascendency of the hierarchy, effectively letting him recast the show with one male and female star as the lead characters. Everyone else became peripheral bit players and DiNozzo in particular, became even more of a joke. Rumours were rife that he and various screen writers disliked the Tony character and so used the opportunity to do a spot of character assassination. According to my assistant, the only reason they bothered to keep him around was, purely as a love interest for the female lead. Seemingly a small but vocal minority of fanatical fans obsessively paired him with Ziva, even going so far as to attack any other actor cast as his love interest.

Truly, I'm not entirely sure why they decided to ship him with their leading lady since he was such a joke by now, except to be a major cockup so she could play the ultimate bulletproof Mary Kate and save him ad infinitum. The only fly in the ointment was your reluctance to play TIVA scenes, knowing it would be a disaster – been there and done that, I believe was the rationale. To keep you sweet and prevent you walking because if you'd left the show, the lunatic fringe could turn nasty if you weren't there to play the damsel for Ziva to save and the buffoon whose butt she could kick, they let you direct some episodes. Then they continued along their path of teasing shippers while not outraging the other viewers and merrily butchering your character."

Seeing Mike still looking dubious, he pulled out a concrete example of retcon to illustrate his argument. "Okay…in a stunningly blatant example of retroactive continuity, in season eight Tony and the character you were in a relationship with at that time, had a conversation. You discussed whose place you would eat dinner at and by implication, spend the night and you decided that E.J. Barrett would come to your apartment. Yet by season ten, when they finally wrote an episode showing your apartment, ironically so your suddenly devoted father could stay with you, the writers for some unbeknownst reason gave you a single bed. Making a big deal out it, stating that you didn't have workmates or dates back to your place, ever." The psychiatrist saw him nodding.

"Your right, I remember that - Gibbs was holding rule 12 over both our heads about us dating and told me to stop seeing her. And although I defied him, I started getting nervous and tried to break it off with her but E.J. was pretty damned persuasive, plus we were really good together." He confirmed, his Tony persona clearly dominant at that moment.

"And if you go back even further, to season 1 when you travelled to Gitmo on a case, there would appear to be more evidence that this wasn't the case. Unlike Gibbs and your previous partner, who both made the claim that women preferred to sleep with guys in their own bed, not the guys, you seemed to be utterly gobsmacked by the concept. You certainly didn't state that you never slept with woman at your apartment – in fact your reaction suggested quite the opposite." He glanced at Mike who was still nodding in agreement. "And that was just a fairly minor detail in comparison to most of the retcon Tony has had to deal with."

Pressing home the slight advantage he had gained, George continued doggedly. "You couldn't understand why you were behaving so uncharacteristically, leaving you job so soon after being rehired to go chasing overseas for months? It's simple really - after the actress they kept trying to pair you up with left the show unexpectedly, causing much outrage amongst her fans, they used you to keep them from becoming more volatile by writing in a romantic kissing scene into the next season to placate them and try to prevent them causing even more trouble over her departure."

At that point George watched Mike closely, hoping to see some signs that he remembering what had happened since it was pivotal to the crisis and his recovery but although he saw a flicker for a split second, it was gone. It was obviously expecting too much for him to re-integrate back into his real identity in the space of a single session but he was an eternal optimist, after all. Going back to the data that he wanted to cover before their time was up he pressed on.

"But…even with a new EP after Mary Sue had gone, when it would have been a perfect opportunity to rehabilitate your character, especially with an episode flashing back to your time in Baltimore, they dropped the ball. Previous canon had established that Detective DiNozzo had a closure rate as a detective to rival Gibbs and he also spent a year undercover to bring down a Mafia Don. Which you think would have been the perfect opportunity to showcase your skills. Instead they wrote a disappointing, mundane episode, with you in uniform, where your performance was less than stellar - definitely not canon Tony pre- season 5, more like screw-up Tony season 6-10. This culminated in you as per normal, requiring someone to rescue your butt, this time your NCIS boss was cast in the role since your usual Mary Sue wasn't there. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder how your character Tony actually manages to blow his nose unassisted these days. "

He looked at Mike who was looking stressed, confused and flat out exhausted. No wonder - the poor bastard still didn't know if he was Arthur or Martha or more accurately he supposed, if he was Tony or Mike.

Dr Wilder sent him back to Solace Health Retreat. They agreed on a treatment program that would see him coming back every day for the next week at least to continue the re-integration treatment program. He didn't want the actor to be on his own until he was well and truly centred; he also wanted him to refrain from associating with people that had inadvertently helped provoke the condition. He sent him off with extra homework apart from relaxation exercises. He wanted him to watch various episodes from seasons 1 and 2 and season 10 and 11 on DVD, courtesy of Jordan's personal collection and her portable DVD player, to prove to Mike that what he was remembering weren't real memories.

After writing up his case notes he would call Dr Harrington-Smyth to report how the session had progressed and inform him that Mike didn't want a referral to see him at this stage. His client left his office , Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo still pretty firmly in ascendance as his dominant identity but he'd seen burgeoning signs of Mike trying to make his way back. Being an optimist ,he had faith that the reintegration of Mike Climately would soon be au fait accompli.

End Notes:

A/N1 Multiple Identity Cognitive Conversion Confusion Condition or MIC4 is not a recognised psychiatric condition – it is a figment of my fertile imagination. I did warn you this was a parody *shrugs apologetically.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Thanks for all the gracious reviews :) I've been feeling a bit mean leading you up the garden path and was apprehensive about your reactions. Apart from one comment about it being weird which I'll cop sweet since it is definitely not your usual story, they have been overwhelmingly positive. Sorry to make you feel like you need a stay at Solace tonysmel but you might want to book in for a long weekend. This chapter is a bit bleak – if you were wondering about the crime descriptor in the summary – well this is it. I had intentions of writing this story when I first joined but after certain things happened in the last 12 months, I felt compelled to address these occurrences as well. Also after editing this chapter, I decided that the additions made it far too long and decided to post the epilogue separately. This one does a happy ending or at least a hopeful one. Enjoy : )

Internal Conflicts

Chapter 8

Appointment 10:

Dr George Wilder was reading through the case notes for Mike Climately who'd be arriving for his session in approximately fifteen minutes. It was his first case of MIC4 and in all likelihood, since he wasn't a celebrity shrink, it was likely that it would be the only case he would treat in his professional career. In terms of their progress reintegrating Mike's real personality and helping him to distance himself from his fictitious persona so that he could resume acting, they were making steady progress. Although over the course of the week it was somewhat freakish how he would slip into character so easily.

George had started watching the TV show just to help him recognise when Mike was losing himself in his character. The psychiatrist couldn't understand why he kept slipping in and out of the DiNozzo character at the drop of a hat and looked to the show to try to provide the answers. He'd soon discovered that knowledge of the characters and the people that played them, not to mention knowledge of story arcs, were invaluable tools. They not only helped him to deconstruct them but were very useful in helping Mike to discriminate real life from fiction. He genuinely felt that they were making steady progress in Climately starting to integrate his true identity over this past week. Still, there were days when it seemed that they took a step forward only to find Mike slipping back two steps and getting frustrated and confused, again.

Frankly, Mike wasn't the only one who was confused or discouraged and the doctor invited his young protégé to brainstorm with him since her specific knowledge of the show and pop culture in general, was much more extensive than his. It was clear that the more he tried to deconstruct Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, and really the whole box and dice of them, to try to delineate where the character ended and the actor's real life began, it was almost impossible. Truth to tell, he hadn't realised just how incestuous this TV program was or was it like this in all television programs? He really didn't know but there was definitely one thing that he had learnt for sure. It was no damned wonder Mike was having so much trouble figuring out what was real and what wasn't.

He recalled the meeting yesterday where they'd conducted a post mortem on the treatment process so far. They sat watching the recordings of their sessions – Mike had agreed to them recording them purely for teaching and research purposes. Watching how he was still slipping into his alter ego (or would that be the many faces of DiNozzo) was scary because it happened without any obvious triggers they could identify. That they needed to understand what was triggering the shifts was obvious, it was crucial to the treatment being successful. Today was about coming up with theories.

Jordan had been doing extensive digging since she was already familiar with many of the players. The petite little blonde psychiatrist explained that most workplaces, whether they be film or TV sets or more convention places to work, had clear delineation between professional and work life. This workplace though was quite different, with most of the producer's family being cast into roles early on in the first few series. His current wife played the mysterious love interest of Gibbs in the earliest episodes. The stepson Sean Teal'c scored a major role as Tim McGee. In fact all his children and stepchildren have all worked on the show in some capacity, either in front of or behind the cameras, as well.

"That totally effects the dynamics of the relationship that the cast and crew form in the workplace." She frowned, searching for a metaphor.

"It's a bit like the kid at school whose mother or father is the principle or the teacher. There are the inevitable perceptions of favouritism, not to mention people feeling inhibited from expressing opinions and feelings for fear that it will be reported back to the teacher/principle. The actor who plays Gibbs - Mark Elsewhere is also executive producer and his son was cast to play him as a younger version of Gibbs, which could be argued to be a sensible casting decision. Still, given the fact that both fathers are in positions of authority on the show, well it creates an impression of nepotism rather than merit based working conditions. We both know that in reality, much success is based at least in part on nepotism or who you know, being in the right place right time or dumb luck just as much as merit based selection criteria, but that flies in the face of our desire for egalitarianism."

George nodded. "Might also go some way to explain why the DiNozzo character was singled out to be the target of all the screw-ups and the dumb jock providing comic relief. Writers are hardly likely to write episodes that portray the boss or the boss' son as a cock-up or joke. Of course they are also highly likely to become Marty Stu's in the scripts but that is also likely to create an imbalanced and stressful dynamic, though."

Jordan giggled. "Well will you listen to you, Doctor? This time last month, you wouldn't have a clue about Mary Sue and Marty Stu. It's so cute, Mr I don't watch anything but the news and football." She teased him gently, her grey eyes dancing with merriment before she became serious again.

"Yeah, but all joking aside, while actors being EPs or bosses getting a family member a job isn't that unusual in the entertainment industry, it is all a question of degree. And it's pretty unusual to have so many of them who have worked on the show or continue to do so, all from the one family. It's like a dynasty" Jordon observed as she sipped her latte.

"What's that show got to with it? Just when I think I'm getting a handle on this stuff, I find I'm out of my depth."

Jordan trying mightily not to laugh at her clueless mentor, replied. "Not the show, George. I meant that he was literally creating a dynastic work environment."

Wilder nodded as he called up information on his laptop. "Ah… yes, I see what you mean. I agree and it I've found other factors that make delineation more difficult to achieve. It seems that there are plenty of parallels between Tony and Mike – more than could be explained by the probability of mere coincidence. That suggests that the writers are using personal data to create the character and his backstory that is going to blur the line between Tony and Mike." He paused and referred to his copious notes.

"Both were estranged from their wealthy fathers – at least in a financial sense in Mike's case when he chose to pursue a career in acting, while Tony was disowned as a kid, for reasons that have never really been properly explained. Then there is the parallel that in real life, Mike is a musician who sings and plays the guitar and piano. They have even used one of his songs on the show and also on the soundtrack which while giving him a huge opportunity to increase his audience, will also likely make him feel beholden to them. That could further increase the power imbalances that already exists. In the show, Tony plays guitar and sings in one episode while undercover, and owns a baby grand piano and is seen playing in one episode in season 7."

Standing behind him looking over his shoulder as he moved on, Jordan directed him to open one of her files and began to brief him on her investigations. "In Mike's last show, it was also a case of life imitating art. He ended up having a three year long relationship with his co-star Jessica White and they ended up engaged before breaking up. On the show, they ended up having a relationship as well and some say it was the ruination of the series. Apparently when there is unresolved sexual tension, having the characters sleep together is supposed to be the kiss of death, although a few shows seem to have dodged that bullet." She observed.

"Possibly another reason why he was so keen not to have Tony and Ziva get it on together, apart from the fact she had effectively emasculated him." George mused. "This is pretty murky!"

"Oh but wait, it gets better, George. In season 4 and 5 Tony gets involved with a beautiful doctor who is the daughter of a French arms dealer involved with the CIA. He is sent undercover in an unsanctioned Op by his director to woo the daughter to get close to the father. The doctor who is part French, is unaware of her father's profession but quickly saw Tony's intelligence and sensitive side and they soon fell madly in love. At the same time he was coping crap from his team and making him doubt his abilities to lead the team and following Gibbs return, to fulfil the role of senior field agent."

"Oh my goodness," Wilder exclaimed.

"Yeah, exactly. There are some interesting parallels to his real life that while they were probably coincidental, when everything started to fall apart, would have at the very least added to Mike's confusion about what was real or fiction. As you know, Mike's wife is a doctor who, with a Serbian Canadian background shares a certain continental background as his love interest on the show. I suspect, being an internist and not part of the whole Hollywood dog and pony show, she quickly saw beyond the jokey, prankster to the intelligent, sensitive and vulnerable side that Mike possesses."

Wilder was silent as he pondered this latest information that provided yet another layer to explain how Mike came to adopt the identity of his character and was having trouble separating himself off from DiNozzo. What an incredible mess this whole fiasco was. As he was forced to delve into the realms of fans, stalkers, groupies, shippers and the like, Jordan had shared how much fan fiction was devoted to stories dealing with their rage over the systematic demolition of the character of Tony DiNozzo over the past 11 seasons. Many an armchair shrink was of the opinion that Tony's childhood had left him with serious self-esteem issues, reinforced by the constant derision and abusiveness by his workmates.

How ironic that he and Dr Perrot had had similar discussions about Mr Climately and why he continued to work on a show that seemed Hell-bent on knocking him down constantly. Even his loyal fans, while not wanting him to leave the show, longed for him to be treated with the respect that they felt was his due – feeling that he didn't get enough credit for his acting ability. They pointed out that even with what he was given to work with, which was crap, he was one of the most loved characters. Many of them questioned, like his character Tony, why Mike would tolerate the disrespect and abuse and wished he would refuse to accept it.

Both he and Jordan had speculated that the continual barrage of ridicule and mockery over his time playing Tony had whittled away at his confidence. He was apparently not confident that he was good enough to attempt dramatic roles and seemed to be completely unaware of just how good he really was. It certainly seemed that there was group that liked it that way too, ensuring DiNozzo was little more than a joke with no character development or if anything, his character's regression. Perhaps avarice was the motivation, believing he'd been graced with too much. Their colonial cousins had a term for it – they called it the 'tall poppy syndrome' where anyone daring to rise too much above the masses needed to be brought back to earth.

"It becomes easy to see how all the similarities, coincidences and manufactured similarities created a situation where the lines between reality and fantasy are blurred. Especially in times of great stress." George mused as he considered the information they'd gathered.

"Not to sound like some cheesy advertorial commercial George, wait… there's more. Just to confuse the issue even more, you'll never guess who Mike played back before he took on the role of Anthony DiNozzo?" Without waiting for a response she continued. "The very same actor who was then cast as Tony DiNozzo's father, that's who. Talk about incestuous. But the writers were not above playing on the former relationship between Mike and his ex-fiancée – Jessica White - which is pretty grubby. How would they like having to play a character lusting over their former real life partner for cheap laughs – I think not." She fumed and her mentor wasn't sure whether her outrage was due to her status as a therapist, or as a fangirl.

"Agreed. And frankly Jordan, I'm no longer asking myself how come Mike became to be so confused about his identity – knowing what we already do about what transpired – but in light of this additional data. Now I'm asking myself, why wouldn't he?" Sharing her outrage but in his professional capacity as a therapist, he shook his head in frustration. "At least I can understand why Mike is having such a hard time divorcing himself from the Tony persona. The writers have woven the two together so seamlessly in some areas that it was almost inevitable. Now we have to figure out how to use this information to our advantage in the treatment process."

"Do you think we should recommend that he leave Solace and return to his family and colleagues? Perhaps that might help to ground him."

"The fact that he hasn't asked about his family or mentioned them suggests that he doesn't remember them. Not knowing what provoked his identity break, I wouldn't recommend it. The shock might just exacerbate things further and all the progress made so far could be lost. I think we wait until he remembers his wife and children… at that point I think he'll be ready to return home but I strongly recommend we shelter him from his work mates until he is well integrated back into his real identity. There's not enough clear delineation between real and fake; it just isn't worth the risk so we don't hurry things." He decided as his young protégé nodded in agreement.

Hopefully now the psychiatrist had a better idea of what they were up against, Mike's progress would level off and increase. Perhaps they could schedule weekly appointments soon or at least bi-weekly sessions. At least physically, Mike was looking much better and the panic attacks had slackened off to almost zero. He was sleeping better and eating again and the frantic pacing and punishing exercise regimes had moderated too. And as he stabilised physically, his moods were evening out as well. Hearing the buzzer that indicated that Mike or more accurately, somebody had entered his waiting room, he finished up and locked the case notes in his filing cabinet.

Halfway through their session Mike dropped a bombshell.

"So Doc, you said that MIC4 had only ever manifest in actors who were playing too many different characters when under physical and emotional stress."

George nodded. "That's correct."

"So why now? Why was I in such a state?"

And this was it. According to Dr Harrington-Browne they had reached a pivotal place in the process.

"You don't remember, Mike?" He asked, calmly.

"No I feel like I should but it's just out of my reach. "

"Well according to my research, you and your cast mates have been under significant amounts of stress all this year but most especially when your cast mate Cote de Meek's sudden resignation from the show was announced. A certain small but extremely vocal section of the fan base went totally feral. It seems they blamed her cast mates for driving her away, especially you or they thought the producers were at fault for not paying her as much per episode as you were receiving. Jordan says there were death threats made against the cast and crew and your families and that social media in particular, became viciously ugly."

His client had paled noticeably, "Oh damn it, I remember. Polly Perky was targeted and she wasn't coping with all the hate. It's gotta be bad for her to be affected like that- she's so up, so happy all the time."

George nodded, pleased at the progress. They were definitely hurtling towards the crossroads now, at breakneck speed and he hoped that the impact when it came, wouldn't be to devastating for him to bear.

"These… individuals," He struggled mightily to maintain neutral language, also flooded fan fiction sites with petitions and plastering fan fictions sites with passionate romance fan fics insisting that your characters were star crossed lovers, with a ferocity bordering on obsession. In fact, they haven't let up, even now at the end of the season. They keep insisting that Ziva will return and Tony will fall swooningly into her arms." George said, wondering for the nth time, how many of these people were capable of not just cyber bullying but physical stalking.

He noticed that Mike was beginning to shake, fine tremors becoming increasingly obvious, as was a fine sheen of perspiration on his forehead and palms. He seemed oblivious to these signs that his body was under stress.

"What happen next?" He practically gasped, as his respiration increased markedly.

It was clear to Wilder that a panic attack was imminent. He set out to short circuit the attack, getting Climately to focus on his breathing. When he finally felt he was centred, the doctor took a deep breath, crossed his fingers and grabbed the bull by the horn.

"We aren't exactly sure what happened next. You were supposed to be attending a triathlon boot camp for a week of training but you never showed up. Something set you off that made you adopt your Anthony DiNozzo identity. We're hoping that you'll be able to tell us in time what it was." He explained his voice gentle and his body language non-threatening. This was critical – ground zero territory and George didn't want anything to spook him at this juncture.

"All we know is that you completely trashed your phone and your iPad. Was someone threatening you?" He questioned, gently.

Still trying to maintain his breathing, Mike searched his memory. He remembered finishing up at the studio. They had been filming an emotionally charged scene of Jackson's funeral before they wrapped for the summer. Everyone was exhausted and emotional from the loss of a fine actor, but also from a terribly difficult year, weathering the storm from the loony fringe and everyone was looking forward to the summer months to rejuvenate. He'd gone home to an empty house to pack – his family had already gone off to stay with friends.

HIS FAMILY? Since when did he have family? He didn't notice that his heart began to pound. "I was getting ready to leave when I my phone rang and it was… my wife… and she was crying. Someone had sent her a stack of fan fics but they weren't TIVAs - they were about me, having an affair with Cote de Meek. Oh my God… they were all describing in horrifically graphic detail how I was going to kill her and our children, so that I could be together with de Meek."

Leaping up, he rushed to the trash can, hunching over and began to violently expel his stomach contents, before he found himself in the throes of a vicious panic attack. As his panic attack exacerbated his nausea and vomiting, it was probably inevitable that he finally collapsed, despite George's urging to regulate his breathing. Regaining consciousness, he found a most alarmed therapist trying to coach him into remaining calm. Recalling what had transpired, he was trying to scramble to his feet but was still much too uncoordinated to resist the psychiatrist's mild restraint.

"Let me go… I have to go to them."

"Who"

"My wife and my children…I forgot about them. How could I do that? They must think I've left them… I have to find them. It's not safe and I let them down."

"They're safe, I promise and they know where you are."

After he had calmed down enough, they sat together to fit the missing pieces of the puzzle together. On top of everything that had been going on, it seemed that certain journalists and paparazzo kept hounding him about every fresh rumour that de Meek had been persuaded to return to the show. Then there had been the further blurring between of the lines of reality and fiction with the death of the actor playing Jackson Gibbs and the script mirroring real life and Gibbs father dying. A farewell episode that was always going to be emotionally difficult for everyone, even if they weren't already running on fumes was stressful enough. Plus missing his family, who'd left for their holiday without him as he was attending a triathlon boot camp to begin his training, had all combined to place him under extra physical and emotional stress.

There also been the natural exhaustion of having a new baby earlier in the year with the lack of sleep that it inevitably brought, along with all the joy. Factor in the stress of having a bunch of crazed fans making death threats against his pregnant wife and unborn child and the guilt he felt that his job exposed them to dangerous criminals was enormous. George was at great pains to make sure to label these crazies for exactly what they were, lunatics who were also stalkers and criminals but it still made him feel guilty.

Over the course of the next few weeks George resolved to work on this issue to help Mike deal with what must have been unbearable guilt and fear for his family. After finding the so called real life fan fictions known as MOTEs, from what Wilder was able to piece together, the combination of so much psychological stress: fear, guilt and anger combined with complete physical exhaustion had finally brought about Mike's collapse. Wilder had managed to get Mike to participate in a relaxation exercise at last and now he was lightly dozing, enabling him to get Jordan in to help him research those MOTE fan fics. He was once again terribly grateful for his young colleague, who, although equally shocked and ignorant about this particular form of intrusion, quickly located some for them to read. It was necessary so they could understand what they and Mike were dealing with.

Frankly, reading them sicken him and Jordan to the point where both of them lost their lunch and they felt dirty for even reading them. Such pieces of filth, such a sinister and sick new assault that stars and their partners had to cope with. So utterly disgraceful!

No wonder it had pushed Mike over the edge, on top of everything else. And when he came around from what must have been the mother of all panic attacks after his wife's phone call, George theorised, his packed bag, and his strong feelings of guilt were probably incorrectly labelled as proof of what he'd been accused of, with the lack of boundaries between his identities contributing to his confusion. Such fears would have been too horrific, too abhorrent to contemplate, resulting in him slipping into Tony DiNozzo's miserable existence to take refuge. No doubt his solitary aloneness must have seemed a lot more preferable to his battered subconsciousness, than the unbearable mental anguish of thinking he was hurting his family. Put simply, in the face of overwhelming stress and guilt, Tony DiNozzo became a defence mechanism to protect his precious family from himself.

The psychiatrist understood how it was that no one had missed Mike or noticed his adopting his Tony DiNozzo identity. Everyone including his family, friends and his agent, thought he was off at boot camp but he did wondered why his wife never mentioned the MOTEs. They'd spoken after he and Jordon had finally realised who his client really was, just to inform her he was safe. Jordan theorised that maybe it wasn't the first time someone had sent MOTEs to her to try to hurt her and maybe after her initial distress, had put it out of her mind. Perhaps she just hadn't realised their significance in sparking Mike's dissociative split.

Honestly, he was never going to earn a tenth of the pay check of even any celebrity but Dr George Wilder was glad that he wasn't famous. He didn't think he could handle such scrutiny, obsession and craziness following his every move. The Goddess Pheme* certainly demanded a heavy admission price from her chosen children to dance at her disco.

Now they'd traversed the crossroads, he felt like they were on the home stretch at long last. Remembering his initial impression that he was dealing with a man in denial about his romantic feelings for a co-worker, it seemed extremely ironic that the cyber stalking by sicko cyber bullies hiding behind anonymity and claiming essentially the same thing, had pushed him a step to far. His violent response that first day where George's favourite Madonna lily unselfishly sacrificed itself, made a whole lot more sense now, and Wilder really wished he'd put the puzzle together sooner.

At least today, there had been real progress, hard as the session had been on Mike. Getting his client to realise that his greatest fear was that he was hurting his family because of his work - because there were people out there that wanted to hurt them - was always going to be a painful but necessary part of helping him to reclaim his life again. Now that he remembered, it was time for him to be reunited with his loved ones. Yep, today had been one for the good guys.

End Notes:

A/N 1*Pheme aka Famais the Greek goddess for fame and gossip.


	9. Chapter 9

This is the final chapter of what I must point out for the last time was a parody. Unlike a lot of my stories, this one has a happily ever after ending or at least it is optimistic for the possibilities. that one will emerge. Just as we all hope that this year will be the one to see Tony finally being appreciated. Let's hope his love interest is someone who won't want to neuter him before they go out. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, followed, faved or simply read along.

Internal Conflicts

Chapter 8

Epilogue

Session 18: Epilogue:

As he walked through the door and took a seat on the sofa, Dr Wilder gave his client his usual visual examination – assessing his physical state. Thinking back to the differences he saw in the individual who'd walked into his office some weeks ago to the person who walked through the door today, they were astonishing. Mike had turned up believing himself to be the character that he had played for the last eleven years. He'd been exhausted and desperate, convinced that he was losing his mind. He couldn't eat or sleep, couldn't stop pacing and was subject to crippling panic attacks. As the psychiatrist took in his clear eyes and rested countenance, he felt tremendous satisfaction at the progress that had been made in a relatively short period of time.

Smiling, he got the ball rolling. "Hallo Mike, how are you today?"

An answering grin displayed perfect white teeth in a tanned face. "Good Doc. The Triathlon was so much fun and I bettered my PB* by 1 minute 30."

"Well you certainly look the picture of health. It's good to see." George enthused. "So are you ready to go back to work next week?"

"Yeah, I'm looking forward to this year. Hopefully this will be a good one for Tony."

"I noticed you gave an interview the other day." The Psychiatrist noted slyly.

Chuckling, his client grinned even wider. "Yeah, I might have expressed the opinion that Tony has been treated like the idiot child by the rest of the team and stuck in the corner for years. Felt good to say it out loud after all this time. Hopefully Tony will get some more adult roles this year – we both deserve better than what they'd given us for too damned long."

Dr Wilder looked at Mike, feeling like this summer had brought about a new incarnation – fighting fit and filled with confidence and happiness. He looked to be so much more comfortable in his own skin. Days like this were why he loved his job so much. Sure they had done a lot of work to get to this place and it hadn't been easy, but in the end when he saw the results it was well and truly worth it.

Leaning forward, he invited his client to kick things off with a relaxation exercise before they moved on to the desensitisation techniques that would help counter triggers that might be encountered once he returned to work. Thinking back to his inability initially to do the self-hypnosis technique when he first started coming, his ability to focus and apply himself now was excellent. All in all they had a great session and both men were feeling pretty pleased with the way the session progressed. Glancing subtly at his office clock, Dr Wilder started wrapping up their session.

"Well, you have made a remarkable recovery, Mike. You look rested and settled. Your sleeping much better and the last couple of sessions I haven't seen you slipping into your on-screen persona unintentionally. I'd say you are good to go after kicking MIC4 butt. You can come back once a week for this next month to follow-up since you're going back to work and I want to monitor your progress and make sure you don't destabilise around people who might be triggers. After that we'll reassess. See how you feel about finishing up."

Standing up from the sofa and walking to his desk he returned and handed Climately a pile of papers in a file.

Mike glanced at it. What's this?" he asked, opened it up and seeing a list of names.

"The first lot are a list of Hollywood agents. Perhaps you need to find one that will watch your back to make sure that the writers stop trashing your character and committing constant Retcon. Personally I think you're selling yourself way too short, you're a fine dramatic actor, never doubt that for a minute. You're so much more than just the comic relief." He assured him, seriously.

The second list are lawyers who specialise in media and entertainment litigation. You might think about filing a suit against the EPs and screenwriters for the malicious and intentional character assassination of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. Not to mention the dumbing down of the character, the trivialisation of the role of NCIS senior field agent. The character assassination they've practised on your character over the last eight years is a very serious crime, in my humble opinion. And I'm not the only one that thinks that way, either."

He chose his words carefully. "There's even an argument that could be made that utilising so much of your own real life to create the backstory of Tony makes them culpable for the endangerment. After all, they've benefited from incorporating elements of your past and your associations which have made it so much more difficult to untangle where the character ends and you begin. That creates an environment where the delusions of disturbed fans are able to flourish. Not exactly fulfilling their duty of care, one would think."

The other man just shook his head, not really knowing what to say to that.

George was in stride though, and carried on regardless as he expressed his opinion bluntly. "Since they make so much money out of the show - the number one drama and all that - and your character generates so much revenue, I think you should get a bigger slice of the pie as compensation for them blurring the boundaries so successfully. No wonder the lunatic fringe find it so ease to slip into an alternate reality. So I reckon the least they can do is pay for the pieces of you they'd used. Especially since they have also trashed Tony DiNozzo the way they have, Talk about have your cake and eat it too."

He smirked, "There's a highly credible rumour doing the rounds that a bunch of fans calling themselves '_Hands Off Our Very Special DiNozzo'_ have decided to launch a Class Action against the show's producers. They are claiming mental anguish and deep psychological harm done to them having to see Tony attacked constantly over the past eight years. They are also claiming to have experienced deep and lasting trauma when Tony was forced to lock lips with an abusive harpy. Hey their words, not mine!" He protested.

"Where was I? Oh yeah then there's the Anti-Domestic Violence group '_It's Never Okay To Knock an Injured Tony Over on Cement and Hold a Loaded Gun to his Body Protection League_' who have reportedly joined the suit. As have several Feminists groups who find the excuse that Ziva David is standing up for women's rights when she engages in shockingly blatant acts of domestic violence to be abhorrent to their principles. They reckon that that scene in Tel Aviv has done untold damage to the movement and have contributed to giving young females a deplorable role model to aspire to. Even the "Olive Growers Association against Violent Sociopaths Kissing in our Groves" are up in arms over the love scene. They claim that it gives them a bad name inasmuch as Olive Growers appear to endorse domestic violence against men because it takes place in an olive grove." He frowned as he looked out his window.

"I know there's more groups than that. Um… oh yeah there's the OODAs." Seeing Mike's quizzical expression he explained. "They're the "Outraged over Dead Air" law enforcement group, claiming that it paints federal agents and cops as idiots who are unprofessional by not following the most basic of procedures and protocols. And then ,the last ones to join at the moment are the "Stop Flogging the Crap out of our Mini Cooper Car Club." They don't like the way that Ziva mistreats her car and feel that she's encouraging cruelty to dumb cars. I think the Prisoner rights group –"It's Illegal to Kill Suspects in Elevators When They Won't Stop Talking Society" are considering signing on too but are still considering their options. So if it gets to court, it's gonna be one Hell of a stoush!" He predicted, gleefully.

"Okaaay," Mike responded feeling dazed by all this information, before looking at the names on the last page. "So what are the other names? They sound like the stage names of exotic dancers." He said, diplomatically.

George chuckled. "Hardly – their pen names. Jordan says they are fan fiction writers. This one here, "He pointed at the first one on the page. "Is apparently a walking encyclopaedia of canon for the show's 11 seasons. What they don't know they research, either by checking out the relevant episode or by looking up the episode transcripts online. One wonders why the writers don't keep the script transcripts handy themselves to refer to them so they don't make ridiculous continuity errors on a regular basis."

"And what about this one? Sounds like a children's' story book character." He asked, pointing to one name, halfway down the page."

"Oh yeah, that one… he is supposed to be really great at writing comedy. Not the mean, bullying let's all make Tony look like a complete dick and he's the butt of all jokes, sort of comedy. That would have to be the lowest form of wit and the easiest to write. This fan fic writer apparently is able to write comedy that is witty and intelligent, without sinking to playing the dumb Tony card simply to get a cheap laugh."

Curious about where this was leading, he pointed to the last pen name on the bottom of the page with OC beside it. "And this one?" he quirked an eyebrow.

"Oh… they are well known for creating original characters who are strong and independent without being Mary Sues. Jordan says that many of Tony's fans want to see him given a steady love interest who is going to be an equal partner in a healthy adult relationship. They feel that he deserves to be happy. Oh and not be killed off."

"O…kaaay," Mike drawled a second time. "That's good to know but why did you give their names to me, Doc?"

Just that these are people who actually know the canon for you and the rest of the cast and seem to write plots that are far more in character than the people that have been hired and pay to write for the show. My advice is that the next time you negotiate your contract, get your agent to demand they hire people who have actually watched the show and know the canon for the episodes they are writing. According to Jordan she would recommend any of these guys on the list, she says they are top notch."

The End

End Notes:

*PB Personal best.

For the guest who wanted to know what MOTE stood for - **M**ichael & C**ote**


End file.
